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Life Explained

6 May

On the first day, God created the dog and said: ‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give
you a life span of twenty years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: ‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: ‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: ‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’

But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Saving One Life At A Time

30 Apr

A Message From Rex Barker

Saving One Life At A Time

An old man was walking along the beach, when he came upon a part of the sand where thousands of starfish had washed ashore.

A little further down the beach he saw a young woman, who was picking up the starfish one at a time and tossing them back into the ocean.

“Oh you silly girl,” he exclaimed. “You can’t possibly save all of these starfish. There’s too many.”

The woman smiled and said, “I know. But I can save this one, ” and she tossed another into the ocean, “and this one”, toss, “and this one…”

This is Rex Barker reminding that our sages teach us that Saving One Life is equivalent to saving the world. Each act of caring, each act of kindness is
critical. Never stop from doing what you know to be the “right thing because you think you cant make a difference. Because in effect, you are.

Don’t Forget To Cancel Your Credit Cards Before You Die!

29 Apr

A woman had died in January, but her bank had billed her for their annual service charges for February and March on her credit card, and then added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 but was now around $60.00. A family member placed a call to the bank

Family Member: “I am calling to tell you that she died in January.”

Bank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

Family Member: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.”

Bank: “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she’s dead?”

Bank: “Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!”

Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?”

Bank: “Excuse me?”

Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you, the part about her being dead?”

Bank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.”

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.”

Bank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

Family Member: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”

Bank: (Stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”

Family Member: “No, I’m her great nephew.” (Lawyer info given)

Bank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”

Family Member: “Sure.” (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Bank: “Our system just isn’t set-up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”

Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.”

Bank: “Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.”

Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?”

Bank: “That might help.”

Family Member: “Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”

Bank: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!”

Family Member: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?”

A Lesson From Gandhi

29 Apr

A Lesson From Gandhi

Sent by Kishor A.

Gandhi had set up a school, but had his own ideas about how children should be taught. He disliked the examination system. In his school he wanted to teach
the boys true knowledge — knowledge that would improve both their minds and their hearts.

Gandhi had his own way of judging students. All the students in the class were asked the same question. But often Gandhi praised the boy with low marks
and scolded the one who had high marks. This puzzled the children. When questioned on this unusual practice, Gandhi one day explained, “I am not trying
to show that this one is cleverer than that one. So I don’t give marks on that basis. I want to see how far each boy has progressed, how much he has learnt.

If a clever student competes with a not so clever one and begins to think no end of himself, he is likely to grow dull. Sure of his own cleverness, he’ll
stop working. The boy who does his best and works hard will always do well and so I praise him.”

Gandhi kept a close watch on the boys who did well. Were they still working hard? What would they learn if their high marks filled them with conceit? Gandhi
continually stressed this to his students. If a boy who was not very clever worked hard and did well, Gandhi was full of praise for him.

Idiot Sightings

26 Apr

IDIOT SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the
opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears
made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, “Lady, you
need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said,
“NO, it’s not.. Four is larger than two…”
We haven’t used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the
clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She
said, “You gave me too much money.” I said, “Yes I know, but this way you
can just give me a dollar bill back.” She sighed and went to get the manager
who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the
quarter, and said “We’re sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.” The
clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..
Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING
sign on our road.. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out
here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” To
which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He
smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”

IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I
knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when
the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people
doing driving?!”
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING

We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as she was
leaving the company due to “downsizing.” Our manager commented cheerfully,
“This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We
all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This
was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and
for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn
on.. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side
door.. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the
technician, “It’s open!” His reply, “I know. I already got that side. This
was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the Hawaiian
plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking
somewhere (I can’t remember) and a guy asked me “Wow, you drove from Hawaii
to here?” I looked at him and quickly said “Yep. I took the Hawaii/San
Francisco Bridge”. He nodded his head and said, “Cool”!

They REPRODUCE………. and they vote

You Can Learn From A Donkey

23 Apr

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided
the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized
what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a
step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as
the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles
is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries – Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

What Is Its Value?

19 Apr

A well known speaker started off his session by holding up a $50 bill. In the room of 500, he asked, “Who would like this $50 bill?” Hands started going
up all at once.

He said, “I am going to give this $50 to one of you but first, let me do this.” He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up.

He then asked, “Who still wants it?” Still the hands were up in the air.

“Well,” he replied, “What if I do this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now all
crumpled and dirty. “Now who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.

“My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $50.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. You are special – don’t ever forget
it!

Thorns Can Be Beautiful

18 Apr

Thorns Can Be Beautiful

Sent By Leora

Toronto, Canada

A certain man planted a rose and watered it faithfully and before it blossomed, he examined it.

He saw the bud that would soon blossom, but noticed thorns upon the stem and he thought, “How can any beautiful flower come from a plant burdened with
so many sharp thorns? Saddened by this thought, he stopped watering the rose, and just before it was ready to bloom…it died.

So it is with many people. Within every soul there is a rose. The God-like qualities planted in us at birth, grow amid the thorns of our faults. Many of
us look at ourselves and see only the thorns, the defects. We despair, thinking that nothing good can possibly come from us. We neglect to water the good
within us, and eventually it dies. We never realize our potential.

Some people do not see the rose within themselves; someone else must show it to them. One of the greatest gifts a person can possess is to be able to reach
past the thorns of another, and find the rose within them.

This is one of the characteristic of love… to look at a person, know their true faults and accepting that person into your life… all the while recognizing
the nobility in their soul. Help others to realize they can overcome their faults. If we show them the “rose” within themselves, they will conquer their
thorns. Only then will they blossom many times over.

What Are You Worth?

18 Apr

Years ago, in London, Sir Moses Montefiore, the well known industrialist and philanthropist, was meeting with the British Queen over tea. In a very un-British
manner, the Queen asked, So tell me, Sir Moses, what are you worth? He replied, My dear Queen, please allow me to go through my records and I will present
you the information in a week.

So they met again for tea and Sir Moses presented the Queen with an accounting of his Worth. To which the Queen commented, Sir Moses, this is truly a very
large amount, but I personally know that your holdings in a particular project are worth more than this.

Sir Moses smiled and said, My dear Queen, you are mistakenly comparing how much money I have vs. How Much I Am Worth. The money I have, God gave to me,
and it can be taken away at any time. It is not truly mine.

The amount I gave you on the paper is what I have given away to help others to build hospitals and support orphanages, to help my brothers and sisters
the world over. This is what I am worth, as it can never be taken away from me.

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