SillyEz.com

As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying ” I’m going to give you a bracelet. “

” Has it got Rubies and Diamonds ? ” I ask coyly.

” No, ” he said. ” But it cost just as much. “

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.”

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and
headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, “I’m
surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water
guns?”

Mom smiled and then replied…..”I remember.”

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What
setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her
paintings that were on display.

“Well, I have good news and bad news,” the owner responded. “The good news
is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate
in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of
your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The gentleman was your doctor.” 

There were two cats that enjoyed running together. 
The first cat was english, called One-two-three.
The other was french and called Un-deux-trois. 
One day when they were running they came to a huge
river. The cats took a large run up and leapt as
far as they could. Which cat drowned? 
Un-deux-trois cat sank 
(un deux trois quatre cinq) 

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied…

“Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?”

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to
California.

Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and
fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the
high octane pump.

“What can I do for ya’ll?” asks the attendant. “Fill ‘er up with high test,”
replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking
the car up and down.

“What kinda car is this?” he asks. “I never seen one like it before.”

“Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “This, my boy is
a 1999 Cadillac DeVille.”

“What all’s it got in it?” asks the attendant.

“Well,” says the driver, “It has everything.  It’s loaded with power steering,
power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD
player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and
pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument
package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine.”

“Wow,” says the attendant, “That’s really something!”

“How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver.

“That’ll be $30.17,” says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into
his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change
are a few golf tees.

“What are those little wooden things?” asks the attendant.

“That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver.

“Wow,” says the attendant, “Those Cadillac people think of everything!”

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried 
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered 
up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the 
well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then,
to everyone’s amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the
farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. 
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something
amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, 
he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over 
the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to 
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. 
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries – Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

NOW ——–

Enough of that crap . .
The donkey later came back and bit the sh*t out of
the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the
bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in
agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your
ass, it always comes back to bite you.