SillyEz.com

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He 
decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General 
Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology
had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you 
would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top 
speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that 
weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either 
case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to 
all this goading, GM responds: “Yes, but would you really want to drive a 
car that crashes twice a day?

My brother snores soo loud.  Recently we went out west for 
vacation, and he didn’t snore at all…except the first night we 
were there.  It got to be so bad that I took my pillow, sheet, and 
blanket and went into the bathroom to sleep.  I put my stuff in 
the bathtub, shut the door, and fell asleep in the tub.  Me, being 
the sound sleeper that I am, didn’t hear the door open when my 
brother had to use the toilet.  Seeing me fast asleep in the 
bathtub, he turned the water on.  I slept right through the whole 
thing until morning, when my sheet and blanket were soaked by 
lukewarm water.  I thought I wet the bed until my brother 
confessed a few days later.

One day there were these three boys walking down 
the street, all of a sudden they heard a yell: ‘HELP! HELP!’
When the boys got to the noise they saw Bill 
Clinton in a lake drowning. The three boys saved 
him from drowning. Bill Clinton asks the first 
boy how he could ever repay him. The boy said, 
‘I want a boat.’
The second boy said ‘I want a truck.’ 
And the third boy said, ‘I want three tombstones with are
names all on them.’  Bill Clinton said, ‘why is that son?’ 
The little boy said, ‘because when my Dad finds out that we
saved you, he is going to kill us all!’

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing
God, she asked, “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days
To live.”  Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more
time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her
Last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the
street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of that
ambulance?”

God replied, “Girl, I didn’t even recognize you.”

A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He
puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his
mother and says “Look Momma, I’m a white boy.” His mother slaps him hard

on the face and says “Boy, go show your Daddy.” The boy goes into the
living room and says “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy.” His Daddy slaps him
on the face, too and says, “Boy, go show your grandmother.” So the boy
goes to see his grandma and says “Look Granny, I’m a white boy.” She
slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says
“Well, did you learn something from all this?” The boy shakes his head
and says “I sure nuff did, I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes
and I already hate you black people”.

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow. The old man Just stared. 

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?” 

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his  
clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the 
bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. 

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that  
terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!” 

“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted  
thing?!” the manager asked. 

“That’s the one!” 

“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get 
rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit  
we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?” 

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit,  
his seeing-eye dog bit me.” 

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” “Well, “he explained, “the restaurant‚s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I‚ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter‚s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent.”

I asked “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don‚t know about the others, but I use
the spoon.”