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An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope
on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

“Be still, my heart,” thought my friend, “my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!” Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s.
May I take your order?”

Un recién casado se va con los amigotes de copas. El hombre le promete a su mujer que estará de regreso antes de la medianoche pero, la fiesta se extiende,
y le dan las tres de la madrugada.Llega su casa y justo en ese momento, el reloj da tres campanadas y él temiendo que su mujer se despierte, imita las
campanadas “dang, dang…” nueve veces más para que piense que son las doce de la noche.
A la mañana siguiente la mujer le pregunta a que hora llegó. El le responde: A medianoche, mi amor.
Oye Pepe, creo que vamos a tener que comprar otro reloj.
¿Por qué ?, pregunta él .
Si, es que este debe estar roto.
Pero si da la hora perfectamente, contesta él.
Entonces ella le dice: ¡Anoche, dio tres campanadas, hizo una pausa, dio otras cuatro campanadas, se puso a vomitar, dio tres campanadas más, se tiró un
peo, dio las dos últimas y se cago de la risa !

Some ways to spend the $250 Million Ppowerball Jackpot:

– A twinkie for everyone in the country.

– Develop and market an action-figure doll of yourself.

– Get yourself one a’ them “Pentagon quality” toilet bowls.

– Pay for a top-notch therapist to deal with the feeling that, compared to Bill Gates, you’re still not rich.

– At long last: a home-slurpee machine of your VERY OWN!

– Four words: Prank call to Antarctica.

– Goodbye aluminum siding: Hello golden siding.

– Get it all in pennies and ride the horse in front of K-mart, FOREVER!

– At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”

– A lady inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Husband Wanted”. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

– When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

– A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

– Young son: “Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: “That happens in every country, son.”

– Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

– Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite
sex.

Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not
help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.

“How old is the coffee you have here?” I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve only been working here two weeks.”

Murphy’s 10 Laws of Computers

10. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

9. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

8. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

7. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

6. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

5. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

4. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

3. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

2. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

and Murphy’s Number One Law of Computing. . . . .

1. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he
paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his
cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The
other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was
digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind  filling in the old.
The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on
down the road.

“I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the can into a trash
container and heading down the road toward the men.

“Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on
here with this digging?”

“Well, we work for the government,” one of the men said.

“But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not
accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the taxpayers’ money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his
shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there are three of us–me, Rodney,
and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike, here, puts
the dirt back. Now just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean that Mike
and me can’t work.”
 

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.  I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell
all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at me and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”
 

The priest in a small village loved the cock and ten hens
he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock
went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he
started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. During
Mass, he asked the congregation, “Has anybody got a cock?” All the men stood
up. “No, no,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”
All the women stood up. “No, no,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has
anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?” Half the women stood up.
“No, no,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?” All
the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.