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A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?” 

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”

“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.” 

“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do you have?” 

“Sir,” answered the little man, “it’s a little four week old female puppy.” 

“Bull!” roared the biker, “how could your puppy kill my Doberman?” 

“It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.”

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down
in their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old
school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he
had carved “I love you, Sally”.

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car
practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don’t know what
to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its
fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says: “We’ve got to give it back”.

She says, “Finders keepers” & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up
in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood
looking for the money show up at their home.

One knocks on the door & says: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any
money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”

She says: “No”..

The husband says: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

She says: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him.

One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

The old man says: “Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school
yesterday …”

At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: “We’re outta here …”

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. 

On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” 

“About 35″ was the reply. 

“I’m actually 47 years old” the man says, feeling really happy. 

After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is “Oh, you look about 29″ This makes him feel really good. 

Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. 

She replies “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.” 

Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers. 

Ten minutes later the old lady says “You are 47 years old.” 

Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?” 

The old lady replies, “I was behind you in the Chip shop”

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband
to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit
that he’s wearing?”

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and
asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in
a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched the
heads.”

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work.” 

The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I  really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting. “ 

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. 

A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.” 

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. 

Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.” 

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. 

“Where are you going?” she asked. 

“To get my teeth!”

A pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting.
Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. the
pastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and began
tumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the
pastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sending
his rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach.
As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out “Lord, I’m sorry for
what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! – Lord please
make this bear a Christian”.
Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the pastor’s feet, fell
to it’s knees, clasped it’s paws together, began to weep and
said “God bless this food which I am about to receive!”

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in
less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the “other man”.

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the
scene. Being a man of the 90′s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like
manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife’s lover:

    Sir,
    It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my
    wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday
    next.

The “other man” was highly amused by the husband’s formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:

    Dear Sir,
    I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the
    scheduled conference in your Office’s auditorium. 

There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic.”
Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie.
For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s
mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying
12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico
which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York
City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were
disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning
which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as…

Sinko de Mayo.