A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of
draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the
examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went
as follows:
D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.
L: ?eh?
D: Madam – You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!
L: ??EH??
D: (shouting) –IN YOUR EAR! — A SUPPOSITORY!!!
L: Oh, thank Goodness – now I know where I put my hearing aid….
A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife
answers.
” Hi, is Tony home?”
” No, he went to the store.”
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
” No, come in.”
They sit down and the friend says, “You know Nora, you have the
greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I
could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell – a
hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks
her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, “They are so beautiful
I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks
if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and
gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred
bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, “You know, your
weird friend Chris came over. “
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the
200 bucks he owes me?”
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?”, they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer.”
Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And
Thinking,
“surely I Can’t Look That Old.” Well… You’ll Love This One.
My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My
First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore
His Full Name.
Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same
Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The
Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing Him,
However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.
This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too
Old To have Been My Classmate. After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He
Had Attended Morgan Park High School
“yes. Yes, I Did. I’m A Mustang,” He Gleamed With Pride.
“when Did You Graduate?” I Asked.
He Answered, “in 1959. Why Do You Ask?”
“you Were In My Class!”, I Exclaimed.
He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald Wrinkled, Fat,
Gray, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked, “what Did You Teach?”
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front
porch, reflecting on her long life, when–all of a sudden–a fairy
godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be
granted three wishes.
“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really
rich.”
** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
“And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful
princess.”
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
“Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of
them.
“Ooh–can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than
anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak,
he saunters across the porch in his catlike way and whispers in her
ear, “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered, aren’t you?”
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up
against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
wits’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took
out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press –
and Wall Street — responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The
message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly
rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door
and opened the third envelope.
The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out
that she’s pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of
New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and
immediately starts screaming: “How could you have let this happen?
With all that’s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How
could you??!!! I can’t believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have
you got to say???”
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams
again, “Did you hear me??!!” Finally she hears Bill’s very, very
quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are
“Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country’s military capability.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and
have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A
Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody
Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the
Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to
“Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat
Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to
“Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher
levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to
“She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I
think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is
canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
-John Cleese
British writer, actor and tall person
A young woman was doing some business at Marshall University and
parked in an area clearly marked “no parking.”
After taking care of business, she returned to her car to find a
campus security guard writing her a ticket.
“Why are you giving me a ticket?” she asked.
“You’re not allowed to park here,” the guard said. ”See that sign?
It says ‘Fine for Parking Here.’”
“Well,” said the violator, “I thought it was a fine place to park.”
The guard began to laugh. The more he thought about it, the harder
he laughed.
He tore up the ticket and waved the woman on her way.
