The Best of Late Night
“Toyota is starting to fight back. Today, they cast doubt on the story of that guy remember the guy last week that said his Prius accelerated out of control
on the freeway? They said they found significant inconsistencies in his story. And let me tell you something, that’s embarrassing when a car dealer calls
you a liar.” Jay Leno
“In an interview in GQ magazine, John Edwards’s mistress said she slept with him on the first day they met, but she wasn’t his mistress, she was just playing
the role. And, apparently, the audition went so well, she got the job!” Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin, out in Arizona, is campaigning with John McCain. He’s running for Senate re-election. They’re campaigning together out there. I thought,
yeah, I mean, there’s an unbeatable combination.” David Letterman
“You guys see the ‘GQ’ pictures of John Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter? Today, she called them ‘repulsive’, and says she trusted ‘GQ’’s photographer
to take classy photos. Yeah, because anytime I’m on a bed in nothing but dress shirt and underwear next to a Dora the Explorer doll, I think, ‘This is
gonna look classy.’” Jimmy Fallon
“C-SPAN is uploading 23 years of video on the Internet. Or if you want to get the sensation of watching 23 years of C-SPAN, just watch 2 minutes of C-SPAN.”
Jimmy Fallon
“It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson’s disease. So what are they telling
us? Follow me guys. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson’s
disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. You know, screw health care. Let’s party!” Jay Leno
“Hey, learning more and more about that homegrown terrorist, that woman, Colleen LaRose, also known as Jihad Jane. They’re calling her the most dangerous
person to come out of Pennsylvania since Ben Roethlisberger.” Jay Leno
“President Obama talked about health care reform at a senior center in Strongsville, Ohio, today. The most common question he got: ‘When’s bingo?’” Jimmy
Fallon
“Everybody changed their clocks this weekend for daylight savings. So you move it ahead. And even the Taliban move their clocks ahead. They moved it up
to the 11th century. So that’s good.” David Letterman
“This week was dominated by Congressman Eric Massa, the amazing groping, tickling, snorkeling congressman. America was shocked to learn there is another
closeted gay congressman and he’s not a Republican.” Bill Maher
“He went on Glenn Beck and told about his 50th birthday party, with all men, and they got into a big tickle fight. You know, like guys do. Don’t you hate
that, when you’re in a big, giggling pig-pile of dudes and people try to make it into something gay?” Bill Maher
Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Puzzling
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able
to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and
then…” He sighed…
“Let’s put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box…”
Do You Qualify To Be A Professional?
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things
in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through
the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend… except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you
did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one
more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal
Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to a Worldwide Consulting Company, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers
got several correct answers. The Consulting Company says this conclusively
disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a
four-year-old.
Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Jenny Craig For Men
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,
athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, ‘If you can catch me, you can have me.’
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,
he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ‘If you catch me you
can have me’.
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he
does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens
with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he
has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company
to order the 7-day/50 pound program
‘Are you sure?’ asks the representative on the phone… ‘This is our most rigorous program.’
‘Absolutely,’ he replies, ‘I haven’t felt this good in years.’
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular
guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck
that reads, ‘If I catch you, you’re mine.’
He lost 63 pounds that week.
More Extra Jokes
Power of Verse
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of
robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!”(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven…)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,”Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Ax and Two 38’s!”
Interesting Questions
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it
isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you idiot?”
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained abou
Big People Words
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on
NO baby talk. “You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use Big People’ words.”
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, “Winnie the Shit.”
Funny Business signs
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
“LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.”
Doctors office, Rome:
“SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
“CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”
On an Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi.
“TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.”
On a poster at Kencom:
“ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.”
In a City restaurant:
“OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.”
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
“DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.”
In a cemetery:
“PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.”
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
“OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.”
Confucius Says:
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
determine who is right, war determines who is
left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
other man’s well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
Ol’ Blue
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. “Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is
developing! They actually have a program here in College Station that will teach our dog, Ol’ Blue how to talk!”
“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do we get Ol’ Blue in that program?” “Just send him down here with $1,000″ the young cowboy says.
“I’ll get him in the course.”
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
“So how’s Ol’ Blue doing son?” his father asks. “
Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this – they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals
how to read!”
“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?” “Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read… so he shoots
the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
“Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the
recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, “So, is your daddy still messing’ around with that young
lady who lives in town?”
The father exclaimed,
“I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!”
“I sure did, Dad!”
“That’s my boy!”
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and then went into politics.
Little Johnny
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time
came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on
them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing
that he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the
class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the
blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what
Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him
just what that was.
“It’s a period” reported Johnnie.
“Well I can see that” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period?”
“Damned if I know” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next
door shot himself.”
Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Bad Time For A Blonde Joke
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 – The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 – I’m a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Medical Records
The following are actual medical records [supposedly] taken from patients’ actual medical charts…
– The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
– I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
– The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
– She is numb from her toes down.
– While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
– The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
– Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
– Patient was alert and unresponsive.
– When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Children’s Flight
A stewardess was getting very annoyed by 3 little children on the plane. They had been bugging her since take-off, complaining that they were hungry or
bored or tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom and whatever else you could imagine a small child commenting and complaining about.
Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them to go play outside.
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Recent
- Notable Birtdays For March 19
- This Day In History: March 19
- The Best of Late Night
- Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Puzzling
- Do You Qualify To Be A Professional?
- Doctor’s Office
- Classic Quotes by Grover Cleveland
- Notable Birthdays For March 18
- This Day In History: March 18
- Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Jenny Craig For Men
- More Extra Jokes
- Classic Quotes by Gloria Swanson
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