The Best of Late Night
“Toyota is starting to fight back. Today, they cast doubt on the story of that guy remember the guy last week that said his Prius accelerated out of control
on the freeway? They said they found significant inconsistencies in his story. And let me tell you something, that’s embarrassing when a car dealer calls
you a liar.” Jay Leno
“In an interview in GQ magazine, John Edwards’s mistress said she slept with him on the first day they met, but she wasn’t his mistress, she was just playing
the role. And, apparently, the audition went so well, she got the job!” Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin, out in Arizona, is campaigning with John McCain. He’s running for Senate re-election. They’re campaigning together out there. I thought,
yeah, I mean, there’s an unbeatable combination.” David Letterman
“You guys see the ‘GQ’ pictures of John Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter? Today, she called them ‘repulsive’, and says she trusted ‘GQ’’s photographer
to take classy photos. Yeah, because anytime I’m on a bed in nothing but dress shirt and underwear next to a Dora the Explorer doll, I think, ‘This is
gonna look classy.’” Jimmy Fallon
“C-SPAN is uploading 23 years of video on the Internet. Or if you want to get the sensation of watching 23 years of C-SPAN, just watch 2 minutes of C-SPAN.”
Jimmy Fallon
“It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson’s disease. So what are they telling
us? Follow me guys. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson’s
disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. You know, screw health care. Let’s party!” Jay Leno
“Hey, learning more and more about that homegrown terrorist, that woman, Colleen LaRose, also known as Jihad Jane. They’re calling her the most dangerous
person to come out of Pennsylvania since Ben Roethlisberger.” Jay Leno
“President Obama talked about health care reform at a senior center in Strongsville, Ohio, today. The most common question he got: ‘When’s bingo?’” Jimmy
Fallon
“Everybody changed their clocks this weekend for daylight savings. So you move it ahead. And even the Taliban move their clocks ahead. They moved it up
to the 11th century. So that’s good.” David Letterman
“This week was dominated by Congressman Eric Massa, the amazing groping, tickling, snorkeling congressman. America was shocked to learn there is another
closeted gay congressman and he’s not a Republican.” Bill Maher
“He went on Glenn Beck and told about his 50th birthday party, with all men, and they got into a big tickle fight. You know, like guys do. Don’t you hate
that, when you’re in a big, giggling pig-pile of dudes and people try to make it into something gay?” Bill Maher
Classic Quotes by Grover Cleveland
Classic Quotes by Grover Cleveland
1837-1908
American President
A truly American sentiment recognizes the dignity of labor and the fact that honor lies in honest toil.
After an existence of nearly twenty years of almost innocuous desuetude these laws are brought forth.
He mocks the people who proposes that the government shall protect the rich and that they in turn will care for the laboring poor.
Honor lies in honest toil.
I have considered the pension list of the republic a roll of honor.
It is a condition which confronts us – not a theory.
Minds do not act together in public; they simply stick together; and when their private activities are resumed, they fly apart again.
No man has ever yet been hanged for breaking the spirit of a law.
Officeholders are the agents of the people, not their masters.
Party honesty is party expediency.
Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. The relative positions to be assumed by man and woman in the working out of our civilization were assigned
long ago by a higher intelligence than ours.
The ship of Democracy, which has weathered all storms, may sink through the mutiny of those aboard.
Notable Birthdays For March 18
Those born on this date include:
- John C. Calhoun, the first U.S. vice president to resign that office, in 1782
- Grover Cleveland, 22nd and 24th president of the United States, in 1837
- Russian composer Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov in 1844
- German engineer Rudolf Diesel, inventor of the engine that bears his name, in 1858
- British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain in 1869
- Clairvoyant and therapist Edgar Cayce in 1877
- Actor Edward Everett Horton in 1886
- Auto race promoter Andy Granatelli in 1923 (age 87)
- Actor Peter Graves in 1926 (age 84)
- Author George Plimpton in 1927
- Author John Updike in 1932
- Former South African President F.W. de Klerk in 1936 (age 74)
- Country singer Charley Pride in 1938 (age 72)
- Singer/songwriter Wilson Pickett in 1941
- Singer Irene Cara in 1959 (age 51)
- Actress/singer Vanessa Williams in 1963 (age 47)
- Olympic skater Bonnie Blair in 1964 (age 46)
- Rapper/actress Queen Latifah in 1970 (age 40)
Classic Quotes by Gloria Swanson
Classic Quotes by Gloria Swanson
1899-1983
American movie actress
Never say never, for if you live long enough, chances are you will not be able to abide by its restrictions. Never is a long, undependable time, and life
is too full of rich possibilities to have restrictions placed upon it.
I am big. It’s the pictures that got small.
I’ve given my memoirs far more thought than any of my marriages. You can’t divorce a book.
All creative people should be required to leave California for three months every year.
When I die, my epitaph should read: She Paid the Bills. That’s the story of my private life.
Classic Quotes by James Madison
Classic Quotes by James Madison
1751-1836
U.S. President
A pure democracy is a society consisting of a small number of citizens, who assemble and administer the government in person.
A well regulated militia, composed of the body of the people, trained in arms, is the best most natural defense of a free country.
As a man is said to have a right to his property, he may be equally said to have a property in his rights.
Democracy is the most vile form of government… democracies have ever been spectacles of turbulence and contention: have ever been found incompatible
with personal security or the rights of property: and have in general been as short in their lives as they have been violent in their deaths.
Do not separate text from historical background. If you do, you will have perverted and subverted the Constitution, which can only end in a distorted,
bastardized form of illegitimate government.
I believe there are more instances of the abridgement of freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments by those in power than by violent and
sudden usurpations.
If men were angels, no government would be necessary.
It is a universal truth that the loss of liberty at home is to be charged to the provisions against danger, real or pretended, from abroad.
It will be of little avail to the people that the laws are made by men of their own choice if the laws be so voluminous that they cannot be read, or so
incoherent that they cannot be understood.
Knowledge will forever govern ignorance; and a people who mean to be their own governors must arm themselves with the power which knowledge gives.
Learned Institutions ought to be favorite objects with every free people. They throw that light over the public mind which is the best security against
crafty and dangerous encroachments on the public liberty.
Liberty may be endangered by the abuse of liberty, but also by the abuse of power.
Such democracies have ever been spectacles of turbulence and contention; have ever been found incompatible with personal security or the rights of property;
and have in general been as short in their lives as they have been violent in their deaths.
Classic Quotes by Andrew Jackson
Classic Quotes by Andrew Jackson
1767-1845
U.S. President
Any man worth his salt will stick up for what he believes right, but it takes a slightly better man to acknowledge instantly and without reservation that
he is in error.
As long as our government is administered for the good of the people, and is regulated by their will; as long as it secures to us the rights of persons
and of property, liberty of conscience and of the press, it will be worth defending.
Elevate those guns a little lower.
Every good citizen makes his country’s honor his own, and cherishes it not only as precious but as sacred. He is willing to risk his life in its defense
and its conscious that he gains protection while he gives it.
Heaven will be no heaven to me if I do not meet my wife there.
It is a damn poor mind indeed which can’t think of at least two ways to spell any word.
It is to be regretted that the rich and powerful too often bend the acts of government to their own selfish purposes.
It was settled by the Constitution, the laws, and the whole practice of the government that the entire executive power is vested in the President of the
United States
Never take counsel of your fears.
No one need think that the world can be ruled without blood. The civil sword shall and must be red and bloody.
One man with courage makes a majority.
Peace, above all things, is to be desired, but blood must sometimes be spilled to obtain it on equable and lasting terms.
Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in.
Classic Quotes by Albert Einstein
Classic Quotes by Albert Einstein
1879-1955
American theoretical physicist
A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself
in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving.
A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be.
A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed
be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.
A perfection of means, and confusion of aims, seems to be our main problem.
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.
After a certain high level of technical skill is achieved, science and art tend to coalesce in esthetics, plasticity, and form. The greatest scientists
are always artists as well.
All of us who are concerned for peace and triumph of reason and justice must be keenly aware how small an influence reason and honest good will exert upon
events in the political field.
All our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike-and yet it is the most precious thing we have.
All religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same tree.
All such action would cease if those powerful elemental forces were to cease stirring within us.
All that is valuable in human society depends upon the opportunity for development accorded the individual.
All these constructions and the laws connecting them can be arrived at by the principle of looking for the mathematically simplest concepts and the link
between them.
Classic Quotes by Joseph Priestely
Classic Quotes by Joseph Priestley
1733-1804
English theologian and scientist
I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning…
Marriage is like paying an endless visit in your worst clothes.
It is no use speaking in soft, gentle tones if everyone else is shouting.
The more elaborate our means of communication, the less we communicate.
To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven.
Classic Quotes by Jack Kerouac
Classic Quotes by Jack Kerouac
1922-1969
American Writer
All our best men are laughed at in this nightmare land.
Great things are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion.
If moderation is a fault, then indifference is a crime.
It is not my fault that certain so-called bohemian elements have found in my writings something to hang their peculiar beatnik theories on.
“Now you understand the Oriental passion for tea,” said Japhy. “Remember that book I told you about the first sip is joy, the second is gladness, the third
is serenity, the fourth is madness, the fifth is ecstasy.”
The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to talk, mad to live, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones
who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding.
Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
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