SillyEz.com

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are
“Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country’s military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and
have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A
Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody
Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the
Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to
“Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat
Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to
“Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher
levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to
“She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I
think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is
canceled.”  So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-John Cleese
British writer, actor and tall person

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He 
decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General 
Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology
had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you 
would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top 
speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that 
weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either 
case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to 
all this goading, GM responds: “Yes, but would you really want to drive a 
car that crashes twice a day?

My brother snores soo loud.  Recently we went out west for 
vacation, and he didn’t snore at all…except the first night we 
were there.  It got to be so bad that I took my pillow, sheet, and 
blanket and went into the bathroom to sleep.  I put my stuff in 
the bathtub, shut the door, and fell asleep in the tub.  Me, being 
the sound sleeper that I am, didn’t hear the door open when my 
brother had to use the toilet.  Seeing me fast asleep in the 
bathtub, he turned the water on.  I slept right through the whole 
thing until morning, when my sheet and blanket were soaked by 
lukewarm water.  I thought I wet the bed until my brother 
confessed a few days later.

One day there were these three boys walking down 
the street, all of a sudden they heard a yell: ‘HELP! HELP!’
When the boys got to the noise they saw Bill 
Clinton in a lake drowning. The three boys saved 
him from drowning. Bill Clinton asks the first 
boy how he could ever repay him. The boy said, 
‘I want a boat.’
The second boy said ‘I want a truck.’ 
And the third boy said, ‘I want three tombstones with are
names all on them.’  Bill Clinton said, ‘why is that son?’ 
The little boy said, ‘because when my Dad finds out that we
saved you, he is going to kill us all!’

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing
God, she asked, “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days
To live.”  Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more
time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her
Last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the
street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of that
ambulance?”

God replied, “Girl, I didn’t even recognize you.”

A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He
puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his
mother and says “Look Momma, I’m a white boy.” His mother slaps him hard

on the face and says “Boy, go show your Daddy.” The boy goes into the
living room and says “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy.” His Daddy slaps him
on the face, too and says, “Boy, go show your grandmother.” So the boy
goes to see his grandma and says “Look Granny, I’m a white boy.” She
slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says
“Well, did you learn something from all this?” The boy shakes his head
and says “I sure nuff did, I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes
and I already hate you black people”.

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow. The old man Just stared. 

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?” 

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.