This is not an urban legend, it happened to an RA in our New York office
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College.
For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from
Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the
courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters
up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for
Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like
Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he
can’t make it through twenty minutes without either puking or defecating.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still
running to the toilet every 20 minutes to defecate. He doesn’t want to
cancel the date, because he’s afraid he won’t ever talk to her again. So
they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30
minute ride).
They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers
to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without
interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide
to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but
doesn’t want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it.
After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas
stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the
table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came
with another little surprise. “Oh shit,” he thinks (and feels). Instead of
running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms
of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga
position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before
his tan pants… (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the
outside.
He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way,
he is walking like a cowboy.. On the way to the train station, they pass
the Gap.
“Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last
week?” he asks.
“No problem, I’d like to look around too,” she replies.
They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men’s fashions are on the
right, women’s fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the
first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After
selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings
both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other
side of the store) to make sure that she doesn’t see him buying the pants.
He doesn’t even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just
in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away)
“Just the pants.”
“What?” asks the Gap girl.
“Just the pants!” (His eyes still trained on his date.)
Gap girl: “Oh, OK.”
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the
store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats
in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself
and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom
as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He
rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning
himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out…just the sweater.
**PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THIS
SITUATION.**
As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as
pants. So he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls the
rest of the fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep himself
covered by hunching over. Walking will be a new challenge altogether.
Rather than going through the absolute trauma of returning to his seat and
explaining (or creating an elaborate lie to explain) the entire incident,
our hero waits in the bathroom until the train stops at the next station.
He waits until the moment the train starts to pull away from the station,
then dashes out of the bathroom (as quickly as a hunched over cowboy with
sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the train. He is lost and stranded
somewhere between New York City and Westchester.
He hasn’t seen the girl since.
