Archive | September, 2010

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: It’s All About Golf

30 Sep

Three guys are golfing with the club pro.

First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards.

He turns to the pro and says, “What did I do wrong?”

The pro says, “Loft.”

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods.

He asks the pro “What did I do wrong?”

The pro says, “Loft.”

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond.

He asks the pro, “What did I do wrong?”

The pro says, “Loft.”

As they’re walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up.

He says to the pro, “The three of us hit completely different tee shots and when

we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time, what is ‘loft?’

The pro says, “Lack Of F*cking Talent.”

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: New Student

29 Sep

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, “Let’s
begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me death?”

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up.

“Patrick Henry, 1775,” said the boy.

“Now,” said the teacher, “Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?’”

Again, no response except from Toshiba: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do.”

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: “Damned Japanese.”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982,” he said.

Classic Quotes by Al Capp

28 Sep

Classic Quotes by Al Capp

1909-1979

US cartoonist

Abstract art is a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.

Any place that anyone can learn something useful from someone with experience is an educational institution.

Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work.

Like all New York hotel lady cashiers she had red hair and had been disappointed in her first husband.

My work is being destroyed almost as soon as it is printed. One day it is being read; the next day someone’s wrapping fish in it.

Success is following the pattern of life one enjoys most.

The public is like a piano. You just have to know what keys to poke.

The secret of how to live without resentment or embarrassment in a world in which I was different from everyone else. was to be indifferent to that difference.

————————

There are certain books in the world which every searcher for truth must know: the Bible, the Critique of Pure Reason, the Origin of Species, and Karl
Marx’s Capital.

————————

Young people should be helped, sheltered, ignored, and clubbed of necessary.
 

Notable Birthdays For September 28

28 Sep

Those born on this date include:

  • - Frances Willard, founder of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, in 1839
  • CBS Chairman William Paley in 1901
  • TV variety show host and columnist Ed Sullivan in 1901
  • Heavyweight boxing champ Max Schmeling in 1905
  • Cartoonist Al Capp in 1909
  • Actor William Windom in 1923 (age 87)
  • Actor Marcello Mastroianni in 1924
  • Actress and animal rights advocate Brigitte Bardot in 1934 (age 76)
  • Musician Ben E. King in 1938 (age 72)
  • Actor Jeffrey Jones in 1946 (age 64)
  • Actress Janeane Garofalo in 1964 (age 46)
  • Actress Gwyneth Paltrow in 1972 (age 38)

This Day In History: September 28

28 Sep

In 490 B.C., the Greeks defeated the Persians at Marathon. A Greek soldier named Phidippides ran more than 26 miles to tell Athenians of the victory and
died after his announcement. His feat provided the model for the modern marathon race.

In 1066, the Norman Conquest of England began.

In 1892, Mansfield University was the home team for the first night football game at Smythe Park in Mansfield, Pa.

In 1920, in baseball’s biggest scandal, a grand jury indicted eight Chicago White Sox players for throwing the 1919 World Series with the Cincinnati Reds.

In 1982, the first reports appeared of deaths in the Chicago area from Extra-strength Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide. Seven people died and the unsolved
case resulted in tamper-proof packaging for consumer products.

In 1987, a federal appeals court declared Boston public schools officially desegregated after a 13-year effort.

In 1989, former Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos died in exile in Hawaii.

In 1992, a Pakistan jetliner carrying 167 people, including three Americans, crashed into a hill southeast of Kathmandu, Nepal, killing all aboard. It
was Nepal’s worst air disaster.

In 1993, U.S. first lady Hillary Clinton was the administration’s lead witness in congressional hearings on the proposed national healthcare program.

Also in 1993, as the power struggle in Russia intensified, the Interior Ministry sealed off the parliament building. Opponents to President Boris Yeltsin
were holed up inside.

In 1995, Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and Palestine Liberation Organization Chairman Yasser Arafat signed “phase two” of their peace agreement
in Washington.

In 2000, right-wing Israeli leader Ariel Sharon visited the sacred site known as the Temple Mount to Jews and Haram al Sharif to Muslims, sparking a deadly
round of violence between Israelis and Palestinians that continued to escalate over the next two years. Five months later, Sharon was elected prime minister.

Also in 2000, the Drug and Food Administration announced approval of an abortion pill.

In 2001, the U.N. Security Council unanimously passed a resolution to require all members to put a stop to financing and training of terrorists within
their borders.

In 2003, legendary Broadway and film director Elia Kazan died at his home in New York at the age of 94.

In 2004, the price of oil topped $50 a barrel for the first time in trading on the New York Mercantile Exchange.

In 2005, U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas, the U.S. House of Representatives majority leader, was indicted in Texas for allegedly conspiring to violate a state
fundraising law.

In 2006, in a move boosting support for the Afghan government, NATO voted to dramatically expand operations in Afghanistan. The focus will be on the east,
where Osama bin Laden was believed to be hiding.

In 2007, the U.S. Senate joined the House of Representatives in defying a veto threat from President George Bush to approve an expansion of the child health
insurance program. The bill would spend about $35 billion to expand health insurance to more than four million children.

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: An Elderly Italian

28 Sep

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic,
and they never found her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.

“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.

“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk – you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her;
I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.

“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Onestone

27 Sep

There once was an man who had only one testicle and whose given name was’Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, ‘If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!’ The word got around and nobody
called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He jumped up, grabbed her and took her
deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word
got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird
returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, ‘Good
to see you, Onestone.’ Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to
her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die! Why ???

OH, come on .  take a guess !!! Think about it !!! You’re going to love this !!! Everyone knows… You can’t kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Grandma

26 Sep

I was out walking with my 4-year-old Grand daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

‘Why?’ my Granddaughter asked.

‘Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s
dirty, and probably has germs,’ I replied. At this point, my Granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ‘Grandma, how do you know all
this stuff? You are so smart.’

I was thinking quickly. ‘All Grandmas know this stuff. It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.’

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. ‘Oh…..I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass
the test you have to be the Grandpa’.

‘Exactly,’ I replied with a big smile on my face.

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Wrong Way

25 Sep

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be careful!”

“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”

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