“I filled out a rental application that asked, ‘Do you own any liquid-filled furniture?’ Couldn’t they just have said ‘waterbed’? How many other forms of
liquid-filled furniture are there? ‘Yeah, I have a beer couch, will that be a problem?’” –Lisa Goich
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“Kids? It’s like living with homeless people. They’re cute but they just chase you around all day long going, ‘Can I have a dollar? I’m missing a shoe!
I need a ride!’” –Kathleen Madigan
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“I never get tired of housework – I don’t do any. When guests come to visit I just put down dropcloths and say, ‘We’re painting.’” –Joan Rivers
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