“Toyota is starting to fight back. Today, they cast doubt on the story of that guy remember the guy last week that said his Prius accelerated out of control
on the freeway? They said they found significant inconsistencies in his story. And let me tell you something, that’s embarrassing when a car dealer calls
you a liar.” Jay Leno
“In an interview in GQ magazine, John Edwards’s mistress said she slept with him on the first day they met, but she wasn’t his mistress, she was just playing
the role. And, apparently, the audition went so well, she got the job!” Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin, out in Arizona, is campaigning with John McCain. He’s running for Senate re-election. They’re campaigning together out there. I thought,
yeah, I mean, there’s an unbeatable combination.” David Letterman
“You guys see the ‘GQ’ pictures of John Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter? Today, she called them ‘repulsive’, and says she trusted ‘GQ”s photographer
to take classy photos. Yeah, because anytime I’m on a bed in nothing but dress shirt and underwear next to a Dora the Explorer doll, I think, ‘This is
gonna look classy.’” Jimmy Fallon
“C-SPAN is uploading 23 years of video on the Internet. Or if you want to get the sensation of watching 23 years of C-SPAN, just watch 2 minutes of C-SPAN.”
Jimmy Fallon
“It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson’s disease. So what are they telling
us? Follow me guys. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson’s
disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. You know, screw health care. Let’s party!” Jay Leno
“Hey, learning more and more about that homegrown terrorist, that woman, Colleen LaRose, also known as Jihad Jane. They’re calling her the most dangerous
person to come out of Pennsylvania since Ben Roethlisberger.” Jay Leno
“President Obama talked about health care reform at a senior center in Strongsville, Ohio, today. The most common question he got: ‘When’s bingo?’” Jimmy
Fallon
“Everybody changed their clocks this weekend for daylight savings. So you move it ahead. And even the Taliban move their clocks ahead. They moved it up
to the 11th century. So that’s good.” David Letterman
“This week was dominated by Congressman Eric Massa, the amazing groping, tickling, snorkeling congressman. America was shocked to learn there is another
closeted gay congressman and he’s not a Republican.” Bill Maher
“He went on Glenn Beck and told about his 50th birthday party, with all men, and they got into a big tickle fight. You know, like guys do. Don’t you hate
that, when you’re in a big, giggling pig-pile of dudes and people try to make it into something gay?” Bill Maher
