Power of Verse
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of
robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!”(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven…)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,”Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Ax and Two 38′s!”
Interesting Questions
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it
isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you idiot?”
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained abou
Big People Words
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on
NO baby talk. “You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use Big People’ words.”
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, “Winnie the Shit.”
Funny Business signs
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
“LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.”
Doctors office, Rome:
“SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
“CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”
On an Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi.
“TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.”
On a poster at Kencom:
“ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.”
In a City restaurant:
“OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.”
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
“DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.”
In a cemetery:
“PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.”
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
“OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.”
Confucius Says:
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
determine who is right, war determines who is
left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
other man’s well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
Ol’ Blue
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. “Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is
developing! They actually have a program here in College Station that will teach our dog, Ol’ Blue how to talk!”
“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do we get Ol’ Blue in that program?” “Just send him down here with $1,000″ the young cowboy says.
“I’ll get him in the course.”
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
“So how’s Ol’ Blue doing son?” his father asks. “
Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this – they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals
how to read!”
“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?” “Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read… so he shoots
the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
“Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the
recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, “So, is your daddy still messing’ around with that young
lady who lives in town?”
The father exclaimed,
“I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!”
“I sure did, Dad!”
“That’s my boy!”
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and then went into politics.
Little Johnny
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time
came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on
them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing
that he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the
class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the
blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what
Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him
just what that was.
“It’s a period” reported Johnnie.
“Well I can see that” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period?”
“Damned if I know” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next
door shot himself.”
