New Book Titles
Here’s a listing of some recently-published “new books” & their author….
- “How to Write Large Books” by Warren Peace
- “The Lion Attacked” by Claude Yarmoff
- “The Art of Archery” by Beau N. Arrow
- “Irish Heart Surgery” by Angie O’Plasty
- “Desert Crossing” by I. Rhoda Camel
- “School Truancy” by Marcus Absent
- “I Was a Cloakroom Attendant” by Mahatma Coate
- “I Lost My Balance” by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
- “Mystery in the Barnyard” by Hu Flung Dung
- “Positive Reinforcement” by Wade Ago
- “Shhh!” by Danielle Soloud
- “The Philippine Post Office” by Imelda Letter
- “Things to Do at a Party” by Bob Frapples
- “Stop Arguing” by Xavier Breath
- “Raising Mosquitos” by I. Itch
- “Mountain Climbing” by Hugo First
Express Lane
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”
Advertising
Ernest Shackleton’s recruiting advertisement for his 1912 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition:
“Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition
in case of success.”
If Shackleton were advertising in the 2000′s:
“Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost, cool sights, lots fun nights, thrills galore, insurance available. Get your picture in Outdoor magazine.”
Lawyer VS. Insurance
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,:
then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made
even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost
“in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued .. and won!
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held
a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without
defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”
NOW FOR THE BEST PART…
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and
a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
At the Mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not
bat an eye in his response:
“Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
Queen’s Riddle
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an
efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”
”Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to
surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know
the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just
ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.” The Queen
pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony
Blair in here, would you?”
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, “Yes, my
Queen?”
The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please,
Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not
your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered,
”That would be me.”
”Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice
presidential choice the same question. “Joe, answer
this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
”I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you
on that one..” He went to his advisors and asked
every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally,
he ended up in the men’s room and recognized Colin
Powell’s shoes in the next stall.
Biden asked Powell, “Colin, can you answer this for
me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not
your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Colin Powell yelled back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”
Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back
to speak with Obama. “Say, I did some research and I
have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!”
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled
into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”
And that is what’s wrong with our government.
