Archive | 3:00 pm

Cool Ebonic Translations

15 Feb

 ”Luke, I’m your father.” Ebonics: “Hey boy, I’s yo daddy.”

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!” Ebonics: “Later, bitch!”

“To be or not to be? That is the question.” Ebonics: “Is I is or is I ain’t?
Shiiit”

“I’ll be back.” Ebonics: “I’s a fixin’ to bust a cap in yo ass.”

“We’re off to see the wizard.” Ebonics: “We’s fixin’ to see the hoodoo ’bout
some voodoo.”

“You’ve got to get mad! Stand up wherever you are, go to the nearest window
and yell as loud as you can: ‘I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it
anymore!’” Ebonics: Fuuuuuck You!

“We’re going to need a bigger boat.” Ebonics: You see da teeth on this mutha
fucka? Turn this piece-a-shit around and get my black ass back to shore!

“I am Spartacus.” Ebonics: “Who da fuck is Spartacus?”
 

Cliches And Conundrums

15 Feb

Cliches And Conundrums

“You Learn Something New Every Day”
Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you’ve just learned it doesn’t mean it’s new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good
example of this. Edison and Einstein are the exception.

“The Sky’s The Limit”
Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting?
More earth. The earth is the limit.

“You Get What You Pay For”
Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you
check your purchases carefully, you’ll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might
not even get that.

“Everything Comes in Threes”
Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three “ones” come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval
times it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

“Nice Guys Finish Last”
Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times
it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.

“If You’ve Seen One, You’ve Seen Them All”
Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen … one. If you’ve seen them all, *then* you’ve seen them
all. I don’t even understand how this one got started.

“It Takes Two to Tango”
Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only one to tango. It does take two to tango together, maybe. But one person is certainly
capable of tangoing on his own. He just might look a little silly.

“If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another”
No, not always. Sometimes if it’s not one thing, not only is it not another, but it turns out to be something else entirely.

Classic Quotes By Galileo Galilei

15 Feb

Classic Quotes by Galileo Galilei

1564-1642

Italian Astronomer

The Bible shows the way to go to heaven, not the way the heavens go.

All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn’t learn something from him.

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to
do.

You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself.

They know that it is human nature to take up causes whereby a man may oppress his neighbor, no matter how unjustly… Hence they have had no trouble in
finding men who would preach the damnability and heresy of the new doctrine from the very pulpit.

If I were again beginning my studies, I would follow the advice of Plato and start with mathematics.

I think that in the discussion of natural problems we ought to begin not with the Scriptures, but with experiments, and demonstrations.

Doubt is the father of invention.

It is surely harmful to souls to make it a heresy to believe what is proved.

All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.
  

Quality, Not Quantity

15 Feb

Grown-ups like numbers. When you tell them about a new friend, they never ask questions about what really matters.

They never ask: ‘What does his voice sound like?’ ‘What games does he like best?’ ‘Does he collect butterflies?’ They ask: ‘How old is he?’ ‘How many brothers
does he have?’ ‘How much does he weigh?’ ‘How much money does his father make?’ Only then do they think they know him.

If you tell grown-ups, ‘I saw a beautiful red brick house, with geraniums at the windows and doves on the roof,’ they won’t be able to imagine such a house.
You have to tell them, ‘I saw a house worth a hundred thousand dollars.’ Then they exclaim, ‘What a pretty house!’ That’s the way they are. You must not
hold it against them. Children should be very understanding of grown-ups.”

- Antoine de Saint Exupry , Author of “The Little Prince”

Notable Birthdays For February 15

15 Feb

Those born on this date include:
- Italian astronomer and physicist Galileo Galilei in 1564
- Jeweler Charles Tiffany in 1812
- Feminist pioneer Susan B. Anthony in 1820
- Political leader and diplomat Elihu Root in 1845
- Philosopher and mathematician Alfred North Whitehead in 1861
- Songwriter Harold Arlen in 1905
- Actor John Barrymore in 1882
- Actor Cesar Romero in 1907
- Actor Harvey Korman in 1927
- Actress Claire Bloom in 1931 (age 78)
- Astronaut Roger Chaffee, killed in a fire on the ground during a 1967 Apollo I test, in 1935
- Actress Marisa Berenson in 1947 (age 63)
- Actress Jane Seymour in 1951 (age 59)
- Singer Melissa Manchester in 1951 (age 59)
- Simpsons cartoonist Matt Groening in 1954 (age 56)
- Comedian Chris Farley in 1964
- Actress Renee O’Connor in 1971 (age 39)

This Day In History: February 15

15 Feb

In 1764 the city of St. Louis, Missouri was founded.

In 1898, the U.S. battleship Maine exploded in Havana harbor, killing 260 crewmen and leading to a U.S. declaration of war against Spain.

In 1933, U.S. President-elect Franklin Roosevelt narrowly escaped assassination in Miami when a fanatic fired several bullets at him, fatally wounding
Chicago Mayor Anton Cermak in the attack.

In 1942, the British bastion of Singapore surrendered to the Japanese army.

In 1965, Canada adopted a new national flag featuring a maple leaf emblem.

In 1982, the oil-drilling rig Ocean Ranger capsized and sank in a storm off Newfoundland. All 84 people aboard were lost.

In 1990, U.S. President George H.W. Bush attended a drug summit in Colombia with the presidents of Colombia, Peru and Bolivia.

Also in 1990, Washington Mayor Marion Barry was indicted on eight counts of perjury and drug possession.

In 1991, 100 people were killed when a tractor-trailer hauling dynamite overturned and exploded in Thailand.

In 1997, Tara Lipinski, 14, defeated defending women’s champion Michelle Kwan to become the youngest U.S. figure skating champion.

In 2002, discovery of a human skull in a wooded area near a crematory in Georgia led investigators to remains of more than 300 bodies that were to have
been cremated but instead were stacked in sheds and in the woods.

In 2003, millions of people demonstrated against war in cities around the world, including New York, San Francisco, London, Paris and Berlin.

In 2004, two fires in eastern China killed a reported 90 people.

In 2005, a U.S. appeals court in Washington ruled that journalists have no First Amendment privilege to protect confidential sources.

In 2006, a U.S. House of Representatives report sharply criticized government response to the Hurricane Katrina disaster for what it called “mistakes,
misjudgments, lapses and absurdities.”

In 2008, Steve Fossett, the 63-year-old millionaire commodities trader turned record-breaking aviator, was declared legally dead, five months after he
vanished while flying in Nevada.

In 2009, Venezuelan voters abolished presidential term limits, which had restricted a president to two six-year terms. The new constitutional provision
will permit Hugo Chavez to seek re-election in 2012.

Idiots On The Road

15 Feb

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe
to cross the street.  I was crossing with an intellectually
challenged coworker of mine(a blonde), when she asked if I knew
what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled “What on earth are blind people doing
driving?”

Idiots At Work

15 Feb

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card.  She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed.  When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her.  She carefully
compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Zen Sarcasm, Part 1

15 Feb

Zen Sarcasm, Part 1

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the
hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

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