Archive | 3:00 pm

Freezing Your Butt off

14 Feb

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter…snowing and quite cold…and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah. It was a day trip
(no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road,
or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn’t have very good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was
the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car’s fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she
had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date’s, concerns about “what is taking so long” with a reply that indeed,
she was “freezing her butt off” and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too,
got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks
from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter,
she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be “pants down”. And you thought your first date was embarrassing!

Jay Leno’s comment, “This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.”

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Tonight Show.

Valentine’s Day Funnies

14 Feb

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

—————————————————-

Four-year-old Sam loved candy almost as much as his mom Sally did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine’s
Day. A few days later Sam was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Sally said to him, “If you touch
it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?” “Oh, yes,” he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy.
“Now I can eat them all.”

—————————————————-

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day.
What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.

—————————————————-

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes
with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine
cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

—————————————————-

A smart, handsome and sexy young man dressed in the most sophisticated manner walked into the bar. He noticed a woman staring at him without blinking her
eyes with an open mouth. Flattered, he approached the woman and said in his sexiest deep voice – “I’ll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just $20
but on one condition.” The woman was trapped in a moment and asked as if in a trance – “What’s your condition?” The young man replied, “Tell me your wish
in just three words.” After a long pause, woman opened her purse, counted the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply
into his eyes and whispered, “Clean my house.”

—————————————————-

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede
their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.

Classic Quotes By Anna Shaw

14 Feb

Classic Quotes by Anna Shaw

1847-1919

American woman-suffrage leader

Fond as we are of our loved ones, there comes at times during their absence an unexplained peace.

To be bound by outworn customs and traditions, and to be hampered by every known obstacle which could be put in one’s path, and then to have the world
calmly look on and tell you it was no use it was the divine will, was growing too absurd to be longer tolerated with dignity or accepted with self-respect.

The soul within me refused to beat out its life against barred doors, and I rebelled.

Then the young lady … proved by statistics … the awful results which happened where women did have the ballot — how deeply women get interested in
politics, because women are hysterical, and we cannot think of anything else, we just forget our families, cease to care for our children, cease to love
our husbands, and just go to the polls and vote and keep on voting for ten hours a day, 365 days a year, and never let up! If we ever get to the polls
once, you will never get us home. So that the women will not vote at all, and they will not do anything but vote! Now these are two very strong anti-suffrage
arguments, and they can prove them, by figures.

Now one of two things is true: Either a republic is a desirable form of government, or else it is not. If it is, then we should have it, if it is not,
then we ought not to pretend that we have it.

About Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton: She [Miss Anthony] often said that Mrs. Stanton was the brains of the new association, while she herself
was merely its hands and feet; but in truth the two women worked marvelously together, for Mrs. Stanton was a master of words and could write and speak
to perfection of the things Susan B. Anthony saw and felt but could not herself express.
  

Quotes On Love

14 Feb

Fall not in love, therefore; it will stick to your face.
-National Lampoon

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-Rita Rudner

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
-Charles Schulz

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
-Lynda Barry

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
-Robert Frost

Love is not blind – it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.
-Rabbi Julius Gordon

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
-Oscar Wilde

Since My Valentine Got A Computer…

14 Feb

Since my Valentine got a computer
My love life has taken a hit.
Nothing I say is important
Unless it’s a byte or a bit.

Before she got her new laptop,
Everything was just fine;
Now she says we can’t talk
Unless we both go online.

“But honey,” I said, “I’m attached to you;
Love is what I feel.”
“That keyword isn’t relevant,”
She said, with eyes of steel.

She clicked the keyboard furiously;
The screen was all she could see,
And then to my horror and shame,
She started describing me:

“Your motherboard needs upgrading;
Your OS needs help, too.
And you definitely need a big heatsink
To cool your CPU.”

“Don’t flame me, my sweet,” I pleaded.
“Not on Valentine’s Day.”
“Fix the bugs, and I’ll see,” she said,
While looking at me with dismay.

“What ever you want, my darling;
Whatever you need; you call it.
I’ll upload or download anything,
And then I’ll go install it.”

(Her hostile CD keeps replaying,
And though I don’t want to fight her,
Is this what I want for a Valentine?
I’ve been burned; can I rewrite her?)

“Are you all hard drive now,” I asked
“Is there no software in you?
Don’t you remember the good times?
Let our memories see us through.”

“LOL,” she said to me, chuckling.
“You’re nothing but adware.
“I’ve got four gigs of memory;
I’ve got no problem there.”

“Please, honey, we can save it,” I said.
“Our love means more than that.”
“That’s not in my cache; we’re going to crash,”
She said, as she turned me down flat.

(This woman has really changed;
Do I really want to chase her?
More and more I’m thinking
It might be nice to erase her.)

“Aw, honey, don’t talk like that,” I said.
“Can’t we just plug and play?
I hereby accept default,
And I’m yours, my love, come what may.

My goal is to make you happy;
I want to be your portal,
But your sudden, distant coldness
Would test the strongest mortal.

If we need a brand new interface,
So we can FTP,
I’m your go along, get along guy,
And I want you to stay with me.”

“If you want to get into my favorites,” she said,
And you want to get past my encryption,
If you want to get through my firewall,
Here is my only prescription.”

“First, put up your own Web site,
And e-mail me when it’s done.
I’ll check your page rank with Google,
And tell you if you’re the one.”

My life has become a real trial,
Since my Valentine got a computer.
If I want her to care about me again,
I guess I’ll have to reboot her.
 

Notable Birthdays For February 14

14 Feb

Those born on this date include:
- Polish astronomer Nicholas Copernicus in 1473
- Suffrage leader Anna Howard Shaw in 1847
- Comedian Jack Benny in 1894
- Broadcaster Hugh Downs in 1921 (age 89)
- Actress/singer Florence Henderson in 1934 (age 77)
- Former U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Donna Shalala in 1941 (age 68)
- Journalist Carl Bernstein in 1944 (age 67)
- Dancer/actor Gregory Hines in 1946
- Magician Teller, of Penn and Teller, in 1948 (age 62)
- Actor Ken Wahl in 1956 (age 55) – Actress Meg Tilly in 1960 (age 50)

This Day In History: February 14

14 Feb

In 1778, the Stars and Stripes was carried to a foreign port, in France, for the first time. It was aboard the American ship Ranger.

In 1779, James Cook was killed in Hawaii.

In 1803, Moses Coats received a patent on the apple parer.

In 1849, the first photograph of a U.S. President, while in office, was taken by Matthew Brady in New York City. President James Polk was the subject of the picture.

In 1859, Oregon became the 33rd member of the Union.

In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell filed an application for a patent for the telephone. It was officially issued on March 7, 1876.

1879, The War of the Pacific breaks out when Chilean armed forces occupy the Bolivian port city of Antofagasta.

In 1889, in Los Angeles, CA, oranges began their first trip to the east.

In 1895, Oscar Wilde’s final play, “The Importance of Being Earnest,” opened at the St. James’ Theatre in London.

In 1899, the U.S. Congress approved voting machines for use in federal elections.

In 1900, Russia imposed tighter imperial control over Finland in response to an international petition for Finland’s freedom.

Also, in 1900, in South Africa, British Gen. Roberts invaded Orange Free State with 20,000 troops.

In 1903, the U.S. Department of Commerce and Labor was established.

In 1912, the first diesel engine submarine was commissioned in Groton, CT .

In 1912, Arizona was admitted as the 48th U.S. state.

In 1918,The motion picture “Tarzan of the Apes” was released.

In 1920, the League of Women Voters was founded in Chicago. The first president of the organization was Maude Wood Park.

In 1929, the “St. Valentine’s Day Massacre” took place in Chicago, IL. Seven gangsters who were rivals of Al Capone were killed.

In 1932, the U.S. won the first bobsled competition at the Winter Olympic Games at Lake Placid, NY.

In 1940, The first porpoise born in captivity arrived at Marineland in Florida.

In 1945, Peru, Paraguay, Chile and Ecuador joined the United Nations.

In 1946, ENIAC (Electronic Numerical Integrator and Computer) was unveiled. The device, built at the University of Pennsylvania, was the world’s first general
purpose electronic computer.

In 1954, the TV show “Letter to Loretta” changed its name to “The Loretta Young Show.” The show premiered on September 20, 1953.

In 1957, Lionel Hampton’s only major musical work, “King David,” made its debut at New York’s Town Hall.

In 1961, Lawrencium, element 103, was first produced in Berkely, CA.

In 1962, U.S. first lady Jacqueline Kennedy gave a tour of the White House on television.

In 1966, Rick Mount of Lebanon, IN, became the first high school, male athlete to be pictured on the cover of “Sports Illustrated”.

In 1966, Wilt Chamberlain of the Philadelphia 76ers set a National Basketball Association (NBA) record as he reached a career high of 20,884 points after seven seasons.

In 1968, the fourth Madison Square Gardens opened.

In 1979, twenty-year-old rookie, Don Maloney, of the New York Rangers, scored his first goal in the National Hockey League. It came on his first NHL shot.

Also, in 1979, Adolph Dubs, the U.S. ambassador to Afghanistan, was kidnapped in Kabul by Muslim extremists. He was killed in a shootout between his abductors and police.

In 1980, Walter Cronkite announced his retirement from the “CBS Evening News.”

In 1983, a 6-year-old boy became the first person to receive a heart and liver transplants in the same operation.

In 1985, Cable News Network reporter Jeremy Levin was freed. He had been being held in Lebanon by extremists.

In 1989, Iran’s Ayatollah Khomeini called on Muslims to kill Salman Rushdie because of his novel “The Satanic Verses.”

Also, in 1989, the first satellite of the Global Positioning System was placed into orbit around Earth.

And, in 1989, Union Carbide agreed to pay $470 million to the government of India. The court-ordered settlement was a result of the 1984 Bhopal gas leak disaster.

In 1997, astronauts on the space shuttle Discovery began a series of spacewalks that were required to overhaul the Hubble Space Telescope.

In 1998, U.S. authorities officially announced that Eric Rudolph was a suspect in a bombing of an abortion clinic in Alabama.

In 2002, the U.S. House of Representatives passed the Shays-Meehan bill. The bill, if passed by the U.S. Senate, would ban millions of unregulated money that goes to the national political parties.

In 2002, Sylvester Stallone filed a lawsuit against Kenneth Starr. The suit alleged that Starr had given bad advice about selling Planet Hollywood stock.

In 2003, in Madrid, Spain, a ceramic plate with a bullfighting motif painted by Pablo Picasso in 1949 was stolen from an art show. The plate was on sale for $12,400.

Also, in 2003, Dolly, the cloned sheep, was euthanized by the Scottish scientists who brought her to controversial life six years earlier.

In 2004, at least 25 people died and 100 others were injured when a giant glass roof collapsed at the largest city water park in Moscow. Authorities suspected
faulty construction.

Also in 2004, Iraqi insurgents overwhelmed a police station west of Baghdad, killing 23 people and freeing dozens of prisoners.

In 2005, former Lebanese Prime Minister Rafik Hariri was assassinated. Eleven others died with him.

Also in 2005, a gas explosion inside a Chinese mine killed 214 people, the worst reported Chinese mining disaster since the 1949 communist revolution.

And, an estimated 59 people were killed and some 210 people were injured during a fire at a mosque in Iran.

In 2006, a senior Iranian nuclear official confirmed the country had resumed enriching uranium, considered a first step in nuclear production.

In 2007, U.S. Department of Defense records showed the number of U.S. Army recruits with criminal backgrounds had risen 65 percent in the past three years.

In 2008, a former student at Northern Illinois University opened fire in a lecture hall at the school, killing six students and wounding 15 others before
killing himself.

In 2009, in a reversal to previous testimony in the Ron Blagojevich impeachment proceedings, Roland Burris, chosen by Blagojevich to succeed President
Barack Obama in the Senate, admitted the former Illinois governor’s brother asked him for campaign funds.

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Neil Armstrong’s Secret Revealed

14 Feb

On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar
Module, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On
The Moon.

His First Words After Stepping On The Moon,
‘that’s One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind,’
Were Televised To Earth And Heard By Millions.

But Just Before He Re-entered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic
Remark ‘good Luck, Mr. Gorsky.’

Many People At Nasa Thought It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In
Either The Russian Or American Space Programs.

Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The ‘good Luck, Mr. Gorsky’… Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.

On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While
Answering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought
Up The 26 Year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He
Finally Responded. Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong
Felt He Could Now Answer The Question.

In 1938, When Neil Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He Was
Playing Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard. His Friend
Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor’s Yard By Their
Bedroom Window.

His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.

As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard
Mrs. Gorsky Shouting At Mr. Gorsky. ‘sex, You Want Sex Now??!!’

You’ll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The Moon!’

True Story

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