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Best Smart Ass Answers

8 Feb

           The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!!

           SMART ASS ANSWER #6

           It was mealtime during an airline flight.  ’Would you like
dinner?’ the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.  ’What are my
choices?’  John asked..
           ’Yes or no,’ she replied.

           SMART ASS ANSWER #5

           A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her.
           Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your
ticket, not your stub.’

           SMART ASS ANSWER #4

           A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock
boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
           The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’

           SMA RT ASS ANSWER #3

           The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped
for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’
the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I
could.’
           When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his
way without a ticket.

           SMART ASS ANSWER #2

           A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a
sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in
front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for
miles.
           Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and w
alks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck,
huh?’
           The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I
ran out of gas.’

           SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!

           A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam…
‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam
with your other hand.’

           A BONUS EXTRA

           A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
           The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect…
 

A Few Laughs For You

8 Feb

Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

No one ever says, “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: “CHECKOUT TIME IS 18″

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was… surrounded by trees and bushes.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there’s a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years …. then we met.

Home is where you can say anything you like ’cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok, they know me here.

Sign in pet store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the ‘terminal’?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Regular naps prevent old age….. especially if you take them while driving.

Tiger Woods Advice For Men

8 Feb

Tiger Woods Advice For Men

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home..

2. It’s important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.

3. It’s important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.

4. It’s important to have a woman who has a job.

5. It’s important to have a woman who likes you.

6. It’s important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.

7. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

8. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn’t lie to you.

9. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed.

And…

10. It’s very, very important that these nine women do not know each  other.

Sincerely,
Tiger Woods
 

Classic Quotes By William Tecumseh

8 Feb

Classic Quotes by William Tecumseh Sherman

(1820-1891

American General

Hold the fort! I am coming!

I make up my opinions from facts and reasoning, and not to suit any body but myself. If people don’t like my opinions, it makes little difference as I
don’t solicit their opinions or votes.

If I had my choice I would kill every reporter in the world, but I am sure we would be getting reports from Hell before breakfast.

If nominated, I will not run; if elected, I will not serve.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, more vengeance, more desolation.
War is hell.

My aim, then, was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. Fear is the beginning
of wisdom.

The carping and bickering of political factions in the nation’s capital reminds me of two pelicans quarreling over a dead fish.

There is many a boy here to-day who looks on war as all glory, but, boys, it is all hell.

War is hell.
  

Notable Birthdays For February 8

8 Feb

Those born on this date include:
- Civil War Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman in 1820
- Pioneer science fiction writer Jules Verne in 1828
- Russian chemist Dmitri Mendeleev, who devised the periodic table, in 1834
- Actress Edith Evans in 1888
- Film director King Vidor in 1894
- Chester Carlson, inventor of the Xerox copying process, in 1906
- Actress Lana Turner in 1920
- Actress Audrey Meadows in 1922
- Actor Jack Lemmon in 1925
- Actor James Dean in 1931
- Composer/conductor John Williams in 1932 (age 78)
- Television journalist Ted Koppel in 1940 (age 70)
- Actor Nick Nolte in 1941 (age 69)
- Comedian Robert Klein in 1942 (age 68)
- Actress Mary Steenburgen in 1953 (age 57)
- Author John Grisham in 1955 (age 55)
- Actor Gary Coleman in 1968 (age 42)
- Actor Seth Green in 1974 (age 36)

This Day In History: February 8

8 Feb

In 1587, Mary Queen of Scots was beheaded, charged with conspiring to kill England’s Queen Elizabeth I.

In 1692, a doctor in Massachusetts Bay Colony claims two village girls may be bewitched, a charge that set off the Salem witch trials.

In 1725, Peter the Great, emperor of Russia, died and was succeeded by his wife, Catherine.

In 1910, the United States became the 12th nation to join the international scouting movement.

In 1915, film director D.W. Griffith premieres “The Birth of a Nation” in Los Angeles.

In 1940, Nazis shot every 10th person in two Polish villages near Warsaw in reprisal for the deaths of two German soldiers.

In 1974, three U.S. Skylab astronauts ended an 84-day orbital flight.

In 1987, a 60-day cease-fire ended between the Philippine army and communist rebels. Twenty-eight people died in truce violations.

In 1992, the Winter Olympics opened in Albertville, France.

In 1993, a chartered passenger plane collided with a military aircraft over Tehran, killing at least 132 people at a military base where Iran celebrated
Air Force Day.

Also in 1993, General Motors announced it was suing NBC-TV, contending the network rigged a demonstration crash showing a GM pickup truck with “sidesaddle”
fuel tank exploding into flames.

In 1995, the U.N. Security Council voted unanimously to send 7,000 peacekeepers to Angola to maintain peace in the African nation.

In 2002, the Olympic Winter Games opened in Salt Lake City.

In 2003, Syria and Israel exchanged fire for the first time in 29 years in a dispute over a Syrian civilian killed in the demilitarized zone separating
the two countries.

In 2004, U.S. President George Bush acknowledged in a TV interview that he might have been wrong in claiming before the war that Iraq had stockpiles of
weapons of mass destruction. But, he said, “I expected to find the weapons.”

And in 2004 entertainment, Beyonce was a five-time winner at the Grammy Awards, tying the record for most Grammys by a female artist.

In 2005, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas declared a truce in hostilities.

In 2006, U.S. agents joined an investigation into a rash of arson incidents that damaged nine rural Alabama churches in five days.

Also in 2006, police opened fire on an Afghanistan mob protesting a series of published cartoons that depict the Prophet Mohammed, killing four protesters
and raising the death toll there to 11.

And, an eight-year federal study said a low-fat diet doesn’t decrease the risk of heart disease, cancer or stroke.

In 2007, Anna Nicole Smith, a 39-year-old actress, model and tabloid fixture, was found dead in a Hollywood, Fla., hotel. Her death was attributed to accidental
sedative overdose.

Also in 2007, the warring Palestinian political factions, Hamas and Fatah, attempted to end the violence with a unity government.

In 2008, a man at odds with city officials went on a shooting rampage at a Kirkwood, Mo., City Council meeting, killing five people, police said. Officers
shot and killed the suspect, identified as Charles Lee “Cookie” Thornton, an independent contractor.

Also in 2008, an explosion rocked the Imperial Sugar Co. facility at Fort Wentworth, Ga., near Savannah. Four people were killed and about 30 others were
injured.

In 2009, U.S. spy chiefs are reported to have warned President Barack Obama that British-born Islamic extremists, with usually easier access through a
visa waiver program, are the biggest terror threat to the United States.

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day

8 Feb

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked
when the woman’s doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her
at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex
again — the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny
over time, however, and the husband decides he’d better sleep downstairs
on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other
on the stairs — she’s coming downstairs, he’s heading up.
“Honey, I have a confession to make,” the woman says, her voice quavering.
“I was about to commit suicide.”
“I’m glad to hear it, sweetie,” the man says, “Because I was just coming
upstairs to kill you!”

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