The Killer’s Apology

John Scalzi

Here I sit, upon death row
 Electrodes fastened to my toes.
 And though I know that I must die
   I think I should apologize
To those I know that I have wronged,
Beaten, strangled, stuck with prongs
 It was not what I really meant
 All those deaths were accidents.

  I did not mean to murder Sam
  Though I beat him with a ham.
 He said the meat was much too dry
 So I used his head to tenderize.
 And I did not mean to dispatch Sue
 by filling both her lungs with glue.
I should have known there were better
  Ways for us to stick together.

  I have to say I quite regret
   Defenestrating my pal Chet.
  But really, how was I to know
That window wouldn’t just stay closed?
 Becky’s death — a random fluke;
My prints were planted on that flute.
And though they searched high and low
  They never found that piccolo.

 I spare a moment for good ol’ Jake
   Who I deposited in the lake.
 I always thought that he could swim;
I guess the restraints are what did him in.
   And oh, how I do miss Peter
 Though I stuffed him in a water heater.
 He might not have made it in this verse
 If I hadn’ta stuck him in head first.

 Bonnie, my bonnie, my, what a lass!
     Taken down by methane gas.
 If I only knew then what I know now:
 Don’t ever mess with a farting cow.
  And I’ll admit, the point is moot
    Albert I did electrocute.
  Children, never take this risk:
 Water and toasters just don’t mix.

  Wendy was an awful  neighbor
 But I’m sorry about the elevator.
 I did not know she was in the thing
When I snipped the cable like a string.
I’d like to remember my good friend Drew
  Who I served up in a barbecue.
It was his idea, really, because you see
 He always liked to say “Eat Me.”

   I think I was misunderstood
 When I tied up Katie in those woods
 She always said she liked the bears
   So I put honey in her hair.
   Alan claimed he was a jock
  So I crushed him with a rock.
 His boast that he was made of steel
 Was something rather less than real.

 No one was more surprised than Joan
That ferrets stripped her to the bone.
 Reflecting, I see I was foolhardy
 To place bacon up and down her body.
   Mike had on an amazing grin
 When I set him in liquid nitrogen.
 I did not do so for the hell of it;
 I wanted to put him in his element.

   Bob declared I was a buffoon;
 I set him aloft in a weather balloon.
But there is not one who felt more grief
When that balloon popped at 45,000 feet.
  Jeremy was timid, Jeremy was shy
I placed him in an oven and set it on fry.
I should have known better, that this was not
The way to help women to think he was hot.

So you see every death was quite accidental
I would not blame you if you thought I was mental.
 But I would say that it is rather as such:
My problem was just that I cared too darn much.
   Now here I go, to meet my God
And all of my friends that I put in the sod.
I have just one wish, if you lean close to hear:
It’s to help them up there as I helped them down here.