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The Killer’s Apology

14 Jan

The Killer’s Apology

John Scalzi

Here I sit, upon death row
 Electrodes fastened to my toes.
 And though I know that I must die
   I think I should apologize
To those I know that I have wronged,
Beaten, strangled, stuck with prongs
 It was not what I really meant
 All those deaths were accidents.

  I did not mean to murder Sam
  Though I beat him with a ham.
 He said the meat was much too dry
 So I used his head to tenderize.
 And I did not mean to dispatch Sue
 by filling both her lungs with glue.
I should have known there were better
  Ways for us to stick together.

  I have to say I quite regret
   Defenestrating my pal Chet.
  But really, how was I to know
That window wouldn’t just stay closed?
 Becky’s death — a random fluke;
My prints were planted on that flute.
And though they searched high and low
  They never found that piccolo.

 I spare a moment for good ol’ Jake
   Who I deposited in the lake.
 I always thought that he could swim;
I guess the restraints are what did him in.
   And oh, how I do miss Peter
 Though I stuffed him in a water heater.
 He might not have made it in this verse
 If I hadn’ta stuck him in head first.

 Bonnie, my bonnie, my, what a lass!
     Taken down by methane gas.
 If I only knew then what I know now:
 Don’t ever mess with a farting cow.
  And I’ll admit, the point is moot
    Albert I did electrocute.
  Children, never take this risk:
 Water and toasters just don’t mix.

  Wendy was an awful  neighbor
 But I’m sorry about the elevator.
 I did not know she was in the thing
When I snipped the cable like a string.
I’d like to remember my good friend Drew
  Who I served up in a barbecue.
It was his idea, really, because you see
 He always liked to say “Eat Me.”

   I think I was misunderstood
 When I tied up Katie in those woods
 She always said she liked the bears
   So I put honey in her hair.
   Alan claimed he was a jock
  So I crushed him with a rock.
 His boast that he was made of steel
 Was something rather less than real.

 No one was more surprised than Joan
That ferrets stripped her to the bone.
 Reflecting, I see I was foolhardy
 To place bacon up and down her body.
   Mike had on an amazing grin
 When I set him in liquid nitrogen.
 I did not do so for the hell of it;
 I wanted to put him in his element.

   Bob declared I was a buffoon;
 I set him aloft in a weather balloon.
But there is not one who felt more grief
When that balloon popped at 45,000 feet.
  Jeremy was timid, Jeremy was shy
I placed him in an oven and set it on fry.
I should have known better, that this was not
The way to help women to think he was hot.

So you see every death was quite accidental
I would not blame you if you thought I was mental.
 But I would say that it is rather as such:
My problem was just that I cared too darn much.
   Now here I go, to meet my God
And all of my friends that I put in the sod.
I have just one wish, if you lean close to hear:
It’s to help them up there as I helped them down here.

You May Be A Taliban If…

14 Jan

You may be a Taliban if:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t
afford shoes..

3. You have more wives than teeth..

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your
clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting
off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least
four.

10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

Classic Quotes by Albert Schweitzer

14 Jan

Classic Quotes by Albert Schweitzer (1875-1965)

Alsatian Medical Missionary

A great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up.

A man can do only what he can do. But if he does that each day he can sleep at night and do it again the next day.

A man does not have to be an angel in order to be saint.

A man is ethical only when life, as such, is sacred to him, that of plants and animals as that of his fellow men, and when he devotes himself helpfully
to all life that is in need of help.

An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while the pessimist sees only the red stoplight. The truly wise person is colorblind.

Anyone who proposes to do good must not expect people to roll stones out of his way, but must accept his lot calmly, even if they roll a few stones upon
it.

As soon as man does not take his existence for granted, but beholds it as something unfathomably mysterious, thought begins.

As we acquire more knowldege, things do not become more comprehensible, but more mysterious.
  

Notable Birthdays For January 14

14 Jan

Those born on this date include:
- American turncoat Gen. Benedict Arnold in 1741
- Thornton Waldo Burgess, author of Peter Rabbit, in 1874
- Philosopher and medical missionary Albert Schweitzer in 1875
- Film director Hal Roach in 1892
- Novelist John Dos Passos in 1896
- English photographer Cecil Beaton in 1904
- 60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney in 1919 (age 91)
- Actor William Bendix in 1906
- Actor Guy Williams ( Zorro, Lost In Space ) in 1924
- Singer Jack Jones in 1938 (age 72)
- Actress Faye Dunaway in 1941 (age 69)
- Astronaut Shannon Lucid in 1943 (age 67)
- Drag racing driver Don Big Daddy Garlits in 1932 (age 78)
- Evangelist-turned-actor, singer Marjoe Gortner in 1944 (age 66)
- Journalist Nina Totenberg in 1944 (age 66)
- New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd in 1952 (age 58)
- Actor Carl Weathers in 1948 (age 62)
- Filmmaker Lawrence Kasdan in 1949 (age 61)
- Actor Jason Bateman in 1969 (age 41)
- Actress Emily Watson in 1967 (age 43)
- Rapper LL Cool J in 1968 (age 42)
- Rock musician David Grohl, in 1969 (age 41)

Quotes About Money

14 Jan

Quotes About Money

The only reason a great many American families don’t own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly
payments.
- Mad Magazine

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
- Frank Hubbard

There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.
- Jack Yelton

I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money.
- Pablo Picasso

Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does.
- Jane Austen

The rule is not to talk about money with people who have much more or much less than you.
- Katherine Whitehorn

Never work just for money or for power. They won’t save your soul or help you sleep at night.
- Marian Wright Edelman

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
- Robert Frost

A penny saved is a penny earned.
- Benjamin Franklin

Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that.
- Norman Vincent Peale

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
- Samuel Butler

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses much more; He who loses faith, loses all.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can’t buy.
- Proverb

Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.
- Jim Rohn

Whoever said money cant buy happiness simply didnt know where to go shopping.
- Bo Derek

This Day In History: January 14

14 Jan

In 1639, the first constitution in the American colonies, the “Fundamental Orders,” was adopted in Hartford, Conn., by representatives of Wethersfield,
Windsor and Hartford.

In 1690, the clarinet was invented.

In 1794, Dr. Jesse Bennett of Edom, Va., performed the first successful Caesarean section.

In 1907, An earthquake in Kingston, Jamaica, kills more than 1,000 people.

In 1914, Henry Ford introduced the assembly line method of manufacturing cars, allowing completion of one Model-T Ford every 90 minutes.

In 1943, U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt and British Prime Minister Winston Churchill opened a 10-day World War II strategy conference in Casablanca,
Morocco.

In 1952, NBC’s “Today,” the program that started the morning news show format as we know it, premiered.

In 1964, George Wallace was inaugurated as the governor of Alabama, promising his followers, “Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever!”

In 1969, a series of explosions aboard the nuclear aircraft carrier USS Enterprise off Hawaii killed 27 men.

In 1980, after being released from government control, gold reached a record price, exceeding $800 an ounce.

In 1985, the British pound sank to a record low, $1.11, and the Bank of England raised interest rates to halt the decline.

In 1991, two PLO leaders and a third man were killed in Tunis. Al Fatah, the PLO’s main-line faction, blamed a dissident group for the assassinations.

In 1993, David Letterman accepted a multimillion-dollar deal to move his late night talk show to CBS in August after his NBC contract expired.

In 2004, U.S. President George W. Bush outlined a plan to establish a U.S. colony on the moon from where manned expeditions to Mars could be launched.

In 2005, a U.S. Army reservist, Spec. Charles Graner, was sentenced to 10 years in prison for abusing detainees at Iraq’s infamous Abu Ghraib prison. He
said he didn’t regret his actions.

In 2007, Saddam Hussein’s half brother and the judge who approved the 1982 killing of 148 Shiite men and boys, were executed by hanging in Baghdad. Saddam
was hanged two weeks earlier.

Also in 2007, major flooding forced more than 90,000 people from their homes in southern Malaysia.

In 2009, the U.S. House of Representatives voted to expand the State Children’s Health Insurance Program by more than $32 billion over five years. The
program covered more than 6 million children whose parents earn too much to qualify for Medicaid but can’t afford private insurance.

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Car Trouble

14 Jan

A Rabbi, a Monk, and a lawyer are riding down the road when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.

Spotting a farmhouse they walk over and tell the farmer they need a place to stay the night while they wait for a tow.

“I’ve got room in the house for two of you but someones gonna have to sleep in the barn.” says the farmer.

The Rabbi says, “I’ve no problem with that, I’ll go.” He leaves.

Five minutes later there’s a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Rabbi is there.

He says, “Sir there is a pig in that barn; in my religion pigs are unclean, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a pig.”

The Monk speaks up and says, “I have no problem with pigs I’ll go sleep in the barn.” He leaves.

Five minutes later there’s a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Monk is there.

“Sir there is a cow in that barn; in my religion cows are sacred, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a cow.

The lawyer responds, “I’ll go sleep in the barn, I’ve got no religion.” He leaves.

Five minutes later there’s a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the pig and the cow are standing there.

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