Archive | November, 2009

Use Your Gifts

22 Nov

Use Your Gifts

Each one of us is given unique God given gifts, but all too often these gifts are put aside, like a prize you won as a child and kept in the closet. Gifts
not used are gifts wasted. And a wasted gift is the greatest shame. So go in the closet, blow the dust off and get them out. You have been given these
gifts, so you could use them, as they were given to you to help you with your mission in this world.

Some gifts are clear, while others are hidden and need to be uncovered. But when they become clear, one has an obligation to make the most of his or her
gifts – whether they be in teaching, learning, speaking, leadership, writing, music, scholarship, sports, business, professional, cooking, entertaining…
or in any one of a thousand other fields.

You see when we use our gifts, our soul starts to become happy and wants to do more – this is contentment. Not satisfaction that a job is completed – because
it never is – but contentment that you are on the path that you have been given, using the gifts that have been given you. And this includes material wealth.
If you are blessed with talents to generate wealth, then it is not only proper to use them, you are wasting your gifts if you do not – as long as you have
proper intentions with your work and with the proceeds of your successes.

This is Rex Barker, reminding you to go find that gift that you have buried – and better the world with your talents…and make your soul happy in the process.

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day

22 Nov

A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor
 puts his stethoscope up to the girl’s chest and says, ‘Big breaths…’
 The girl replies, ‘Yeth and I’m not even thixteen.’

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: The Cat Came Back

21 Nov

The Cat Came Back

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left,
past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that jerk on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

Do You Know What You Really Want?

20 Nov

Do You Know What You Really Want?

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several
large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “Only a little while.”

The American then asked, “Why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?”

The Mexican said, “With this I have more than enough to support my family’s needs.”

The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening
where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds
from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you
would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to
leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?” To which the American replied, “15 to 20 years.” “But what then?” asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said that’s the best part. “When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become
very rich, you would make millions.”

“Millions?…Then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire, move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take
siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

The Best of Late Night

20 Nov

The Best of Late Night

Earlier today President Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and he said it was “magical.” As opposed to two years ago when former President Bush
stood at the exact same spot said, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.” -Conan O’Brien

“The big news here in New York City, that awful guy, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed — you know this guy? Terrorist mastermind, been down in Guantanamo Bay for
seven years, bringing him to New York City, and he’s going to be on trial here in New York City. Now, the good news is it should be pretty entertaining
because Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are hosting.” –David Letterman

“President Obama winding up his Asian tour this week. There’s a switch. Something American in China. You never see that.” –Jay Leno

“The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.” –David
Letterman

“Today in Congress — this is big — 91-year-old Senator Robert Byrd set a record for the longest time served in congressional history. During his time in
office, Byrd has passed over 800 bills and 600 kidney stones.” –Conan O’Brien

“I’m Jimmy. I’m the host of this show. Don’t worry. I got the whole night planned out. We’re going to have drinks, we’re going to have appetizers, and
then we’re going to roast a moose and split it up between us. I got the recipe out of the new Sarah Palin book.” –Jimmy Kimmel|

“In Washington, D.C., today, the Senate paid tribute to West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd, who officially became the longest serving lawmaker in the history
of Congress. He turns 92 on Friday. He’s still senating. His fellow senators honored him on the Senate floor. They were strongly urged to keep speeches
brief, just in case.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In a new interview, President Obama said that the people could lose confidence in the U.S. economy if our debt continues to grow. And Americans were like,
‘Uh, way ahead of you, dude.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You
know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok.” –Jay Leno

“You guys hear this? ‘The Oxford Dictionary’ declared that the 2009 word of the year is ‘unfriend.’ To unfriend means to completely delete somebody you
don’t like from your life, or as CNN calls it, ‘Lou Dobbs them.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Good Investment

20 Nov

Good Investment

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce
that’s parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank’s underground
garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

“We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we’re a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked
out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

“Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?”

Let’s Travel!

19 Nov

Let’s Travel!

The following are actual stories told by travellers from
  Mendocino County, CA to travel agents in the UK. (And you wonder why
  US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on
  geography…)
  A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
  wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
  ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since
  Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. >
  I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”
  A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going
  over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to
  California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
  I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
  explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
  interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid but
  Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like
  the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts,
  Capetown is in Africa.” Her response… click.
  A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me
  various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her
  fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New
  Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that
  New Orleans was a suburb of LA Worst of all, when I called her back,
  she was not even embarrassed.
  I got a call from a man who asked, “is it possible to see England from
  Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”
  Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
  pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour lay-over in
  Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I
  heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the
  gates to save time.”
  A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
  her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.
  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but
  she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her
  the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
  A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description
  on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No,
  why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the
  airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m
  overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a
  minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing), I came back
  and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline
  was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
  I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which
  plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he
  replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes
  have numbers on them.”
  A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those
  computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
  commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”
  A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed
  in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,
  I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China
  many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked, and
  sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said,
  “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted
  my American Express.”

Goodbye

19 Nov

Goodbye

Justin Parker

Goodbye, you see its time for me to die
It’s really been fun living in hell
And I’m sure it’s beginning to tell;
People are already saying God bless,
Its time this weary head was put to rest.

What is as versatile as a University?
Where the social life is a necessity
And the girls are all after the looks
Rather than what you can do with the books
But does the intention ever justify the end.

Still there are good things with life
Shame they are all double edged knifes
For the weapon is not fit as a sword,
For all we do with vast sums, is hoard
Money it seems will drive us to death.

But what are our best days I am told
It is question that is not quite so bold
For it is something that we all hold the key
Before that is when we cease to see
School and childhood is the answer.

We choose to forget those days
As it was all just a dizzy haze
It is childish and stupid we are told
But it’s the most valuable that we hold
Reminding ourselves of what was in front.

People you see, always see behind
From figures to stats which seem to bind.
Important we feel they may be
But it’s more relaxing just to sip tea
And try to grasp what our future holds.

Goodbye, you see its time for me to die
For what I’ve said could all be a lie
But if that was true then why do I feel dread
As I near my final challenge in facing death
Does the intention ever justify the end.

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Retired People

19 Nov

From the American Association Of Retired People

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are
interested in them? A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep
busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement.  When you’re
done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible… Is that
true? Where can it be

found? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to
Egypt  .”

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband? A:
Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on
my face? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don’t
forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with  short term
memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the
problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the
afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their
foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter
antique stores? A: “Gosh, I remember these!”

SMILE, You’ve still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?

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