Archive | October, 2009

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: The Value of A Catholic Education And A #2 Pencil

25 Oct

The Value of A Catholic Education And A #2 Pencil

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept
through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

‘Tell me Susie, who created the universe?’

When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,
took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

‘God Almighty!’ shouted Susie.

The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, ‘Who is our Lord and Savior?’

But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck her in the butt.

‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, ‘Very good,’ and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question…’What did Eve say to Adam after she had
her twenty-third child?’

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’

The nun fainted.

The Best of Late Night

24 Oct

The Best of Late Night

“And under the new guidelines issued by the Obama Administration, Federal agents will not pursue pot-smoking patients in states that allow medical marijuana.
This new policy is called ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t — What Was I Talking About?’” –Jay Leno

“The ‘balloon boy’ saga continues. Authorities have not yet charged the Heenes, but they expect charges to be filed next week. The father’s helium tanks
were actually repossessed; I guess they don’t want him flying away before he is arrested.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“And according to USA Today, car sales are now at a 20-year low. Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it.” –Jay Leno

“The Dow hit 10,000 this week, everybody! For the first time since the market collapse. And people were so excited, they took to the streets to celebrate,
which is easy because so many of them live there.” –Bill Maher

“No, Osama bin Laden’s first wife and her son have written a book about her marriage. The son said that bin Laden would get angry if they turned on the
air conditioner. So in a lot of ways, bin Laden just sounds like a typical dad. When it comes to thermostats, all dads become fanatical tyrants. Why is
that?” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, President Obama was in New Orleans. A little boy asked President Obama, ‘Why do people hate you?’ Then the little boy turned to Joe Biden and
said, ‘I know why people hate you.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Well this is kind of odd. Sarah Palin has posted her resume on an employment networking site. Under ‘jobs held,’ she — you know, she was a sportscaster.
Did you know that? She was also, of course, governor of Alaska and, most recently, private nurse for Senator John McCain. I didn’t realize that.” –Jay
Leno

“On Thursday, a boy hid in a box. So I guess that was a faster way to tell that story.” –Seth Meyers

“A new survey found that the average man cries about six times a year. That number would be a lot lower if it weren’t for Glenn Beck.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A company that designs fonts is suing NBC for $2 million for trademark infringement for using their fonts during a recent ad campaign. Joke’s on them.
We don’t have $2 million” –Seth Meyers

News of the Weird

24 Oct

News of the Weird, 18 May 93, San Jose Mercury News

A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla.,
in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of
Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon.  Police said that the man
was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found
open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Fall-Down Drunk

24 Oct

Fall-Down Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.” 

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Planes, Trains, And Congress

23 Oct

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble…

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then
she interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained,
“Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. Her response – click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting
an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me, I looked on the
map and Florida is a very thin state!”

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” She said, “But they look so close on the map.”

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour
layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates
to save time.

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She Needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am got to Chicago at 8:33
am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went
fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said,”No,
why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the Airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s
very rude!” After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT
- Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it Be cheaper to fly to California,
and then take the train to Hawaii?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he
replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. A lady Senator called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” I asked if she meant
fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded
him that he needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay
required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .” I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said,”Are
you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” Replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, I’ve
looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.” The lady retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check
your map!” So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” The reply? “Whatever! I knew it was a big
animal.”

Darren’s Story

22 Oct

Darren’s Story

Darren had an experience with a Ouija Board near Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, U.S.A. in 2009. Here is his story:

My name is Darren and I am from Tulsa, Oklahoma. I am currently 40 years old, and have held a fascination with the occult since an early age. I have had many bizarre experiences with Ouija boards and I am writing this as a warning to people that bad things can happen because of these “portals.”

Parker Brothers doesn’t care if a demon possesses you, or if you come under some type of attack from something you know nothing about. The majority of people from The United States holds a skeptical view regarding the scientific evidence of spirits or ghosts; and, many people who believe in these things also believe that it is for this very reason that ghosts and poltergeists occur here and exist “under the radar” so to speak. These Ouija boards are manufactured under the precept that they are mere “toys.” Let me tell you first hand that THEY ARE NOT TOYS, and should be used with strict caution, and probably should not be messed with AT ALL. Other countries take a more open minded view of spirits, demons, and ghosts, and many, many cultures have based entire religions from these beliefs.

During my experiences with Ouija boards, one particular spirit always seemed compelled to make it’s presence known. It’s name is ZOZO. Today, I refuse to even pronounce it’s name as I believe the mere pronunciation of it can cause it to manifest itself. Too many times to count, it has pretended to be a nice spirit, or to be whomever I was trying to contact. But eventually, it showed it’s true self, cussing me, threatening me and others present in the room. Once it actually cussed me using what looked like Latin or Hebrew, and using biblical terminology. I was genuinely fascinated and startled by how many times ZOZO showed up, even in many different states and many different Ouija boards. It always wound up being very nasty and commented freely about how it wanted to posses my girlfriends and take them to paradise. When asked where paradise was, it spelled H.E.L.L.

One time, after ZOZO was being extremely evil, I walked into my bathroom only to see my one-year-old daughter about to drown. Her mother had left her alone in the tub “just for a second” and somehow the water got turned on and was overflowing. Instinctively, she had her face tilted up and was seconds from going under when I grabbed her from the water.

The next day, she was hospitalized for some weird internal infection and was put in isolation for fourteen days straight as doctors tried to diagnose the illness. We almost lost her, and that was when I began to suspect demonic attack.

At this same time, my girlfriend maintained a “trance-like” state. Her personality changed from a very sweet person, to withdrawn, and uncaring. ZOZO said before this that it was going to possess her and eat her soul.

I was recording music for a future rock project and I remember jokingly asking if it had an opinion on what I should name the band. It spelled IRON TONGUE, which at the time I thought was pretty cool. Only later, when my daughters tongue swelled up in the hospital to the point of asphyxiation, I realized that this wasn’t cool AT ALL! Her tongue became rock hard, and distorted her face, swelling up to where it hung grotesquely from her mouth. We took turns bedside at the hospital for what seemed like forever before my daughter began to recover from this strange affliction.

When guests would spend the night in our house, they would claim that they heard frightening voices coming from inside the walls. Objects would be thrown across the room, and spiders seem to come from nowhere. My girlfriend’s brother, who lived with us, complained that he couldn’t sleep at night because the “conversations” were so loud that he simply could not rest. He believed in ghosts. Though he wasn’t afraid of them, he said that it definitely felt demonic. Lights would come off and on by themselves, and doors would open and unlock themselves. One night, in our bedroom, a viscous laughter emanated from thin air, and to this day I cannot explain the terror in that laughter.

One night, I was awakened by what felt like hands on my throat choking me. I could not breathe. I could not scream. After about 30 seconds, it released it’s grip and I gasped for air. The same thing happened to my girlfriend the next night.

Another night, her brother and I were standing just outside the back porch sliding glass door when we were talking about a supposed curse of their family. I abruptly exclaimed “I rebuke this curse in the name of Jesus Christ!” I no longer finished saying those exact words when a deafening sound and a vibration struck the entire house with such an alarming “boom” that the neighbors came over to ask if I had heard something strange. I knew it wasn’t our imaginations. I got out the ladder to see what had landed on top of the house only to find nothing. Things settled down after that, and to this day, I believe that whatever made that noise also caused the disturbance to go away … for awhile.

My girlfriend broke up with me, and I met someone online in Michigan, where I moved up to be with her. She didn’t believe in spirits, and although I knew better, I decided to make her a believer as well. Living in a very small town in Marshall, Michigan, there were no stores that sold Ouija boards. So, I downloaded one from the internet. I printed it out, and to my horror, ZOZO returned. It said it came from “cyberspace” and when I asked it where it lived it spelled “SKULL NECKLACE”. We didn’t think much of this until I asked it again where it was, this time spelling “MIRROR.” There was only one mirror in the bedroom where we were crouched on the floor, and I heard a scream coming from her seven-year-old niece, who was watching us with another young friend. We looked up at the mirror and saw the skull necklace swaying back and forth with glowing eyes looking down at us! My new girlfriend’s son had hung the necklace on one of the posts of the waterbed hours before I downloaded the paper board. We almost jumped out of our skin. Although three feet of fresh snow had fallen that night, we all found ourselves in the front yard, not knowing what to do, scared shitless and frozen in terror. My girlfriend was so fascinated, she drove forty miles to purchase a new glow-in-the-dark Ouija board much to my dismay.

The next night, we had another session in the same room. ZOZO immediately came forth, and even without me being a participant. My girlfriend’s nieces were using the planchette and I would secretly write down a color onto a small piece of paper, then crumple it up where NO ONE could see. I asked the young girls to ask the board if it knew which color I had written down. It quickly scooted to “YES!” … “BLUE!” I remember chills coursing up and down my spine as I threw the wadded up paper to my girlfriend. Her eyes widened as she read the written color BLUE! We then tried the same thing with shapes, and words and every time the board knew.

One night, we asked the board if the spirit would show itself. It spelled YES and told me to turn out the lights and take a picture of the necklace above the board. I did just that and what turned out is eerie to say the least. On the upper left hand corner of the picture, you can plainly see “winged” skeletons flying about, and they are of the exact same weird shape of this “skateboarders” skeleton necklace. Towards the middle, you can make out hideous faces. I have seen at least 4 evil faces in this picture. I took this picture about 6 years ago. People have stolen it off of paranormal web sites, claiming they took it, when I know truthfully it was mine. I have sent this picture to several “experts” and they have all said they cannot explain the images inside. As if all of this wasn’t strange enough, now comes the REALLY scary part.

A few months ago, I googled the word ZOZO. To my shock, many other people have also been contacted by a demon by the SAME NAME! I read about 20 similar stories and I am now convinced that this simply CANNOT be mere coincidence. Supposedly, ZOZO is an ancient demon name which possibly stands for “The Destroyer.” Claims of demonic possession are associated with this ZOZO, and I feel it my duty to warn people to steer clear from this if it happens to present itself during a Ouija board session. I am currently researching this phenomena for a future book, and am in the initial stages of presenting my findings to a reputable demonologist who has been involved in hundreds of cases of paranormal activities across the world, including “A Haunting in Connecticut.”

What is this ZOZO? Supposedly, the three-headed dog demon which guards the gates of hell has a tattoo on its forehead that spells ZOSO. Also, ZOZO is a term Aleister Crowley claimed meant “666.” Jimmy Page, of the rock group Led Zepplein, also used ZOSO as a symbol on the Zepplein 4 album.

Could ZOZO and Zoso be connected somehow? How can so many different people from so many different parts of the world somehow lie about this ZOZO spirit? And if they aren’t lying, than how can you explain these visitations by this wicked entity? Is ZOZO the devil himself, or a wayward demon who has the power to manifest itself wherever and whenever it is called?

Heed my warnings people, if you are playing around with a Ouija board, and you jokingly ask it if it has a name and it spells ZOZO. Close the session properly and cleanse the house. NEVER, I repeat, NEVER ask it again. And if you are brave enough to carry on conversations with this spirit, do NOT antagonize it, or act on its directions. I know what I have seen, and I know other people have also come into contact with this spirit. It is dangerous beyond words. I realize not every session results in negativity, but when you play with this ZOZO you are playing with fire. Everything I have described here is true, and I am not exaggerating one bit. It may take me years, but I DO intend on writing a book about this, as I have many more stories that I do not have time to mention here. They all stem from true events that took place while talking to this ZOZO.

Folks, I have been told by people wiser than myself that the spirit world is MORE REAL” than this world of so-called reality. Ouija boards can cause many bad things to happen in your life. Maintain an open mind, and most of all, BE CAREFUL!

Thoughts For the Day

22 Oct

By Ryrs
I have learned that I am much happier when I am miserable and my wife is happy, than when I am happy and my wife is miserable.

By Froggy
No matter how devastating an event, I truly believe that for every door that closes…a new one opens. You just have to be willing to see it and open it.

By Cynthia A
God is greater…than any situation in your life!

By Dr. Edem Eniang from Nigeria
A lunatic who prowls the streets naked all day does not feel ashamed of his nakedness; but the shame automatically goes to his close relatives and associates.

By Joe
From my high school coach, 40 years ago, and I have never forgotten this: Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your reputation is
merely what people think you are (good or bad), your character is who you really are.

By Lydea Sheets
My grandmother always told me to let others do as they want to and she would do the best she could.

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Balance

22 Oct

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found
him resting on the seventh day.

 He inquired, “Where have you been?”

 God smiled deeply and delightedly pointed downwards through the clouds.
“Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

 Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call
it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”

 ”Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

 God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor.

 Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a
continent of black people. Balance in all things.”

 God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

 The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and
said, “What’s that one?”

 ”That’s Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.

 The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

 They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will
be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers
of software.”

 Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about
balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

 God smiled, “There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I
put there.”

The Teacher

21 Oct

The Teacher

Stories like this, always have a way of putting the right perspective on life.

Jean Thompson stood in front of her fifth-grade class on the very first day of school in the fall and told the children a lie. Like most teachers, she looked
at her pupils and said that she loved them all the same, that she would treat them all alike. And that was impossible because there in front of her, slumped
in his seat on the third row, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.

Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed he didn’t play well with the other children, that his clothes were unkept and that he constantly
needed a bath. And Teddy was unpleasant.

It got to the point during the first few months that she would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X’s and then
marking the F at the top of the paper biggest of all. Because Teddy was a sullen little boy, no one else seemed to enjoy him, either.

At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child’s records and put Teddy’s off until last. When she opened his file, she
was in for a surprise. His first-grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is a bright, inquisitive child with a ready laugh.” “He does his work neatly and has good
manners…he is a joy to be around.”

His second-grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is an excellent student well-liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness
and life at home must be a struggle.”

His third-grade teacher wrote, “Teddy continues to work hard but his mother’s death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best but his father doesn’t
show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren’t taken.”

Teddy’s fourth-grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is withdrawn and doesn’t show much interest in school. He doesn’t have many friends and sometimes sleeps in class.
He is tardy and could become a problem.”

By now Mrs. Thompson realized the problem, but Christmas was coming fast. It was all she could do, with the school play and all, until the day before the
holidays began and she was suddenly forced to focus on Teddy Stoddard.

Her children brought her presents, all in beautiful ribbon and bright paper, except for Teddy’s, which was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper of
a scissored grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents.

Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of cologne.
She stifled the children’s laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume behind the other wrist.
Teddy Stoddard stayed behind just long enough to say, “Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my mom used to.”

After the children left she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing, and speaking. Instead, she began to teach
children. Jean Thompson paid particular attention to one they all called “Teddy.”

As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. On days where there would be an important test,
Mrs. Thompson would remember that cologne. By the end of the year he had become one of the smartest children in the class and…well, he had also become
the “pet” of the teacher who had once vowed to love all of her children exactly the same.

A year later she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that of all the teachers he’d had in elementary school, she was his favorite. Six
years went by before she got another note from Teddy.

He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still his favorite teacher of all time.

Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he’d stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would graduate
from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson she was still his favorite teacher.

Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor’s degree, he decided to go a little further.
The letter explained that she was still his favorite teacher, but that now his name was a little longer. The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, M.D.

The story doesn’t end there. You see, there was yet another letter that Spring. Teddy said he’d met this girl and was to be married. He explained that his
father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering…well, if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit in the pew usually reserved for the mother of the
groom. And guess what, she wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. And I bet on that special day, Jean Thompson smelled just like…well,
just like the way Teddy remembered his mother smelling on their last Christmas together.

THE MORAL: You never can tell what type of impact you may make on another’s life by your actions or lack of action. Consider this fact in your venture thru
life. 

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