Archive | October, 2009

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Silly Sermons

29 Oct

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars:

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead?
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation –

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

“As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

That pretty much ended the service.

School Phone Menu

28 Oct

School Phone Menu ….. California School

“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member,
please listen to all the options before making a selection:

- To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1

- To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2

- To complain about what we do – Press 3

- To swear at staff members – Press 4

- To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5

- If you want us to raise your child – Press 6

- If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7

- To request another teacher, for the third time this year – Press 8

- To complain about bus transportation – Press 9

- To complain about school lunches – Press 0

- If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior,
class work, homework and that it’s not all the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
 

Starting To Get Chili

28 Oct

Starting To Get Chilli

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, “Nah, go ahead.”

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom
and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Proper Jobs

28 Oct

Proper Jobs

Methods from Human Resources:

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

Thoughts For the Day

27 Oct

Thoughts For the Day

By James M
God gave us Two Ears & One Mouth for a reason…to Listen Twice as much as we Talk. |

Worry is misuse of the imagination. – Mary Crowley

A mistake at least proves somebody stopped long enough to do something!

Every day “Above Ground” is a “Good Day!”

By Lori
No matter who or what you would like to blame your current circumstances on, you are ultimately responsible for the decision/choice that put you where
you are.

By Ginny C
Travel with an open mind so it can be filled with the knowledge of other cultures.

By Julie Sullivan
Never hold on to anything that you will have to end up having to free later.

Most people like to travel to new places but sometimes it’s good to revisit the old ones!

By C. Allen Tant
I’ve learned that the choices we make define the people we become. Those who make good choices become good people. Those who don’t make good choices become
human.

By Jean-Louis T
Those who say that money doesn’t buy happiness, just don’t know where to shop!

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: The Naming of Jesus

27 Oct

The Naming of Jesus

A group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth
was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that
the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the
name Joshua. Another argued that Joshua was Hebrew, not Aramaic, to which a third argued that
Hebrew should be used because Jesus was said to be the King of the Jews. The debate went on
and on and became more and more sophisticated and obtuse. Finally, an old man known for his
wisdom intervened. He informed the group that he knew how Jesus was named. When Jesus was born,
a star shown in the sky, and three wise men from the East travelled to Bethlehem. They had
travelled for days, suffered great deprivation, and when they finally got to Bethlehem got
lost trying to find the manger. Finally, after much ado, and in rather foul moods, they
reached the manger and entered the stall. As one of them came through the door, he tripped on
the door sill, and fell into the wall hitting his head. “Jesus Christ!” he screamed, and
that is how the baby was named.

We’ve Always Done It That Way

26 Oct

We’ve Always Done It That Way

A quality management consultant was visiting a small and somewhat antiquated English manufacturing company to advise on improving general operating efficiency.
The advisor was reviewing a particular daily report which dealt with aspects of productivity, absentee rates, machine failure, down-time, etc.

The report was completed manually onto a photocopied pro-forma that was several generations away from the original master-copy, so its headings and descriptions
were quite difficult to understand. The photocopied forms were particularly fuzzy at the top-right corner, where a small box had a heading that was not
clear at all. The advisor was interested to note that the figure ’0′ had been written in every daily report for the past year. On questioning the members
of staff who completed the report, they told him that they always put a zero in that box, and when he asked them why they looked at each other blankly.

“Hmmm.., I’m not sure about that,” they each said, “I guess we’ve just always done it that way.”

Intrigued, the consultant visited the archives to see if he could find a clearer form, to discover what was originally being reported and whether it actually
held any significance. When he found the old reports, he saw that the zero return had continued uninterrupted for as far back as the records extended -
at least the past thirty years – but none of the forms was any clearer than those presently in use.

A little frustrated, he packed away the old papers and turned to leave the room, but something caught his eye. In another very dusty box he noticed a folder,
promisingly titled ‘master forms’. Sure enough inside it he found the original daily report pro-forma master-copy, in pristine condition.

In the top right corner was the mysterious box, with the heading clearly shown …… ‘Number of Air Raids Today’. (For those too young to understand,
it was referring to WW II.)

This is Rex Barker reminding you to open your eyes, and think out of the box a little. The great ones in history were the ones who questioned current belief
systems.

(Sent by Roger H.
Manchester, England

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: PMS

26 Oct

If men had PMS, what would happen?

a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent
disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.

¿Como Es Dios¿

25 Oct

¿Como Es Dios¿

“Papá,” le pregunta Pepito a su padre, “¿Cómo es Dios?, porque algunos dicen que es varón, algunos que es hembra, otros dicen que es blanco, otros que es
negro, ¿cómo es?”

El padre le responde:

“Dios no es hombre, ni mujer, ni es blanco, ni es negro”.

“¡Ay, papi! ¿Entonces Dios es Michael Jackson?”

“Papá,” le pregunta Pepito a su padre, “¿Cómo es Dios?, porque algunos dicen que es varón, algunos que es hembra, otros dicen que es blanco, otros que es
negro, ¿cómo es?”

El padre le responde:

“Dios no es hombre, ni mujer, ni es blanco, ni es negro”.

“¡Ay, papi! ¿Entonces Dios es Michael Jackson?”

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