The Best of Late Night

“And under the new guidelines issued by the Obama Administration, Federal agents will not pursue pot-smoking patients in states that allow medical marijuana.
This new policy is called ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t — What Was I Talking About?’” –Jay Leno

“The ‘balloon boy’ saga continues. Authorities have not yet charged the Heenes, but they expect charges to be filed next week. The father’s helium tanks
were actually repossessed; I guess they don’t want him flying away before he is arrested.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“And according to USA Today, car sales are now at a 20-year low. Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it.” –Jay Leno

“The Dow hit 10,000 this week, everybody! For the first time since the market collapse. And people were so excited, they took to the streets to celebrate,
which is easy because so many of them live there.” –Bill Maher

“No, Osama bin Laden’s first wife and her son have written a book about her marriage. The son said that bin Laden would get angry if they turned on the
air conditioner. So in a lot of ways, bin Laden just sounds like a typical dad. When it comes to thermostats, all dads become fanatical tyrants. Why is
that?” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, President Obama was in New Orleans. A little boy asked President Obama, ‘Why do people hate you?’ Then the little boy turned to Joe Biden and
said, ‘I know why people hate you.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Well this is kind of odd. Sarah Palin has posted her resume on an employment networking site. Under ‘jobs held,’ she — you know, she was a sportscaster.
Did you know that? She was also, of course, governor of Alaska and, most recently, private nurse for Senator John McCain. I didn’t realize that.” –Jay
Leno

“On Thursday, a boy hid in a box. So I guess that was a faster way to tell that story.” –Seth Meyers

“A new survey found that the average man cries about six times a year. That number would be a lot lower if it weren’t for Glenn Beck.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A company that designs fonts is suing NBC for $2 million for trademark infringement for using their fonts during a recent ad campaign. Joke’s on them.
We don’t have $2 million” –Seth Meyers