Archive | August, 2009

Quotes of the Day

31 Aug

By Whit of St. Louis
That your children are your legacy, and their children theirs. This is what you will be measured by. All else pales in comparison.

By Darlene Forbus
From my grandmother: “I’ve spent my whole life cleaning up dirt, and then when you die, they just throw it in your face!”

By Mari I. Mwangi, Kenya
There’s no need to worry when you’re down cause you can’t fall!

By Pastor Matt
Cowboy Secret to Life: The secret to life is like ridin’ a rank horse, keep one foot on one side, one foot on the other side, and your mind in the middle.
You’ll ride’em every time.

By Emilia T
My father’s favorite saying: “If you can’t do it right, then don’t do it at all.”

By Jane
Three years ago my glass wasn’t half full or half empty but rather the bottom fell out of it. One day, I sat down in a chair, elbows on my knees and my
face in my hands and said, “God, please help me!” A voice inside me said, “Jane, Have FAITH in yourself.” I haven’t stopped having it since. Now my soul
is happy.

By Dora
I’ve learned that it’s never too late to start over.

There is no reason to look back. We are not headed that way anyway.

By Della Potcher
I have learned that life is hard by the yard, but a cinch by the inch. In other words, take life one step at a time; or, don’t bite off more than you can
chew.

If you want to go from point A to point B, don’t try to make the whole trip in one giant step; concentrate instead, on each individual step along the way
and you won’t be so overwhelmed by it all.

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: What’s In the Middle? The White Stuff…

31 Aug

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best
describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee…).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10.I don’t have a favorite way because I don’t like Oreos.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing:
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No
one should trust you with his or her children.

2. One bite at a time:
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that’s okay,
not to worry, you’re normal.

3. Slow and Methodical:
You follow the rules. You’re very tidy and orderly. You’re very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive
and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you’re only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous Nibbles:
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns
and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked:
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are
in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie:
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together,
so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not
criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie:
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for
others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that’s ok, you don’t care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside:
You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them:
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help – immediately.

10. I don’t have a favorite way, I don’t like Oreos:
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy,
own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prissy.

Health Care In These United States, Part II

30 Aug

These were actual hospital patient reports! Enjoy.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal exam ination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Health Care In These United States, Part I

29 Aug

These were actual hospital patient reports! Enjoy.

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

Quotes of the Day

28 Aug

Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, can not long retain it.

I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light that I have. I must stand with anybody
that stands right, and stand with him while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong.

America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.

I will prepare and some day my chance will come.

I’m a slow walker, but I never walk back.

Some day I shall be President.

It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him.

Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

To ease another’s heartache is to forget one’s own.

When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That’s my religion.

If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.

As our case is new, we must think and act anew.

You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was.

The philosophy of the school room in one generation will be the philosophy of government in the next.

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

Every one desires to live long, but no one would be old.

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Watch the Watch

28 Aug

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Claude the Amazing Hypnotist was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist
do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into
a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique
watch. It’s a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…. ”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying
watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“Crap!” said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

Bear Climbs Ladder To Escape Colorado Skate Park

27 Aug

Bear climbs ladder to escape Colorado skate park

  (08-26) 11:35 PDT Snowmass, Colo. (AP) –
  A bear that wandered into a sunken skateboard park and got stuck was
rescued when officials lowered a ladder so it could climb out.
  The bear was discovered Tuesday morning in the Colorado resort town of
Snowmass. Officials say it apparently was in the park all night, and
couldn’t get out because of the steep concrete sides.
  Workers from the Parks and Recreation Department lowered a long ladder.
The bear eventually climbed the ladder and wandered away.
  No injuries were reported to people or the bear.
  Bear sightings have been common this summer in the Colorado mountains.
Authorities are pressing residents not to leave out food or trash that
attract bears.
  Most bears are trapped and relocated after encounters with humans. More
aggressive bears are shot.
  ___
  Information from: KUSA-TV,
www.9news.com ——————————
—————————————-
Copyright 2009 AP

Quotes of the Day

27 Aug

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
- Carl Jung

“To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best.”
- William M. Thackeray

“All’s fair in love and war.”
- Francis Smedley

“Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of growths. No man or – woman really – knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter
of a century.”
- Mark Twain

“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.”
-Mae West

“To love something is to give it room enough to grow.”

“With most people lovability is not absent—it is merely undiscovered.”

“Without loving acts, loving words are meaningless.”

“People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway…”

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Pepito And the School Teacher

27 Aug

A schoolteacher in Havana asked her class, “If the sea between Cuba and Miami were to dry up, how long would it take to walk across?”

When she got no response, she asked Pepito to give an answer. After a moment of thought, he said, “Forty days.”

The teacher was naturally surprised. “Pepito,” she said, “the distance from Havana to Miami is only about ninety miles. Maybe I didn’t make the question
clear. Pretend that it’s all smooth and level ground. NOW how long would it take?”

Pepito insisted however on his answer of forty days.

“But why?” asked the teacher.

“Well, because you would constantly have to say, “`Excuse me,’ `Pardon me please,’ `Excuse me, sir,’ `Pardon me Miss,’ `Excuse me…’”    

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