Archive | June, 2009

Car Fun

25 Jun

When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a parking lot. 

What A Prank Can Lead To

24 Jun

Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position
yesterday.  While touring the Eagle’s Rock African Safari (Zoo)  with a
group of thespians from St.  Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went overboard to
show them one of America’s many marvels.  He demonstrated the
effectiveness of “Crazy Glue”  …  the hard way.

Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was,
so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and
jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino.

The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not
initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its
arrival as a baby.  However, once it became aware of its being
involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the
petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger.

“Sally (the rhino)  hasn’t been feeling well lately.  She had been very
constipated.  We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to
relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank,”  said James
Douglass, caretaker.

During Sally’s tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored,
and a number of small animals escaped.  Also, during the stampede, three
pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death.  As for Demuth, it took a
team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from
the rhino’s buttocks.

First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down.  However, during
this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly
showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea.

“It was tricky.  We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield
our faces from being pelted with rhino dung.  I guess you could say that
Demuth was into it up to his neck.

Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to
keep an air passage open for Mr.  Demuth.  We were able to tranquilize her
and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear,”  said Douglass.
“I don’t think he’ll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while.”

Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with
the power of the adhesive.  ”I’m going to buy some for my children, but of
course they can’t take it to the zoo,”  commented Vladimir Zolnikov,
leader of the troupe.

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Room Service

24 Jun

This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and
roomservice at a hotel in Asia.  It was  recorded and
published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service:  ”Morny.  Ruin sorbees.”
Guest : “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”
RS :  ”Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??”
Guest:  ”Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs.”
RS:  ”Ow July den?”
G:  ”What??”
RS:  ”Ow July den – fry, boy, pooch?”
G:  ”Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please.”
RS:  ”Ow July dee bayhcem – crease?”
G:  ”Crisp will be fine”
RS:  ”Hokay. An San tos?”
G:  ”What?”
RS:  ”San tos. July San tos?”
G:  ”I don’t think so”
RS:  ”No? Judo one toes??”
G:  ”I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what
‘judo one toes’ means.”
RS:  ”Toes! toes!..Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish
mopping we bother?”
G:  ”English muffin!!  I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’
Fine.  Yes, an  English muffin will be fine.”
RS:  ”We bother?”
G:  ”No..just put the bother on the side.”
RS:  ”Wad?”
G:  ”I mean butter – just put it on the side.”
RS: “Copy?”
G:  ”Sorry?”
RS:  ”Copy…tea…mill?”
G:  ”Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all.”
RS:  ”One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,
crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey
sigh, and copy….rye??”
G:  ”Whatever you say.”
RS:  ”Tendjewberrymud”
G : “You’re welcome”

Have a good day

Can You Relate to This?

23 Jun

God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

I definitely can relate to this quote. LOL

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day

23 Jun

A homosexual walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a
large knob of salami.
“Would you like it sliced, sir?” the shopkeeper asked politely.
“What do you think I am?” replied the fag, “…a money box!”

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day

22 Jun

Did you hear the latest theory about Monica Lewinsky?

It may never be proven but they think she may be the
youngest woman to have ever held the Presidency.

From Bad to Worse

21 Jun

John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great
  state of Washington, decided to attend a local
  Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at George,
  Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among
  them) they sat in the parking lot, and after
  finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy
  enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and
  sneak into the show. The two friends pulled their
  pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was
  for John–100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over,
  and then assist his friend over the fence.
  Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop
  on the other side of the fence. Having heaved
  himself over, he found himself crashing through a
  tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large
  branch which snagged him by his shorts. Dangling
  from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked
  down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring
  the bushes would break his fall, John removed his
  pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts
  to free himself from the tree. When finally free,
  John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp
  leaves scratched his entire body and now being
  without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim
  of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity.
  To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded
  to fall with him and landed three inches into his
  left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain
  and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull
  him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds
  less, he decided the best course of action would
  be to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is
  when things went from bad to worse. In his drunken
  state, Sal put the truck into the wrong
  gear,pressed on the gas, and crashed through the
  fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was
  thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal
  injuries and also died at the scene. Police
  arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver
  thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and upon moving
  the truck, a half naked man, with numerous
  scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in
  his thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from the
  tree branches 25 feet in the air.

Thiefs!

21 Jun

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
  her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was
  able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
  minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
  car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the
  car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied
  “Yes Officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
  When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a
  Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
  at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near
  spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to
  trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome’s
  sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
  charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
  The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
  Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun and demanded
  cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the
  cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
  the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man,
  frustrated, walked away.

Ezzy’s Joke of the Day: Father’s Day Product Placement

21 Jun

On Father’s Day, a little boy decides to make his dad breakfast in bed. He makes scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brings it into his dad, hands him
the cup of coffee and says,”Try it dad.” The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks,”How do you like it
Dad?” The dad doesn’t want to hurt the little boy’s feelings so he says, ”This is….something else, I’ve never tasted coffee quite like this before,
Son.” The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ”Drink some more Pops.” As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the
cup, and says,”Hey! Why did you put army men in here?” The little boy again smiles and sings,”The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.”

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