SillyEz.com

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no Legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor
man. The first woman said ‘Have you ever had a hug?’ The man said ‘No,’ so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said, ‘Have you ever had
a kiss?’ The man said, ‘No,’ so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman came to him and said, ‘Have you ever been f#cked?’ The fellow’s eyes
lit up and with a big grin he said, ‘No.’ As she walks away she says, ‘You will be when the tide comes in.’

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I’m Sylvia.How’d you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.But instead, I found
him all by himself in the den
watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.I ran up into the attic and searched,
and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted
that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.

PRICELESS!

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender, “Got any ‘gwapes’?”, and the bartender replies, “No, sorry I don’t sell grapes here.” So the duck leaves
and goes home to rest and the next day he walks into the same bar and asks the bar tender, “Got any gwapes?” The bartender replies, “No, sorry I don’t
sell grape here.” The duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day, he goes back to the bar and asks the bartender, “Got any gwapes?” The bartender
angrily replies, “I don’t want to have to tell you again, I don’t sell grapes here and if you ask me again I will nail your beek to the counter of the
bar!” The duck leaves and goes home to rest. The next day the duck goes to the bar and asks, “Got any nails?” The bartender looks at him and screams, “No,
we don’t have any nails!” The duck then asks, “Got any gwapes?” 

Teacher: “Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, ‘geometry.’”

Little Johnny: “A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, ‘Gee, I’m a tree.’”

I went out last night, and I got back at the hotel at 7:30 this morning. I went up to the desk to leave a wake-up call for 7:00. The lady goes, ‘Mr. White,
it’s past 7:00.’ ‘No, the next one. You got another one coming around, don’t you? Why don’t you just put me on that one? I hear they’re running two a day
through New York City.’ 

In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back. 

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing
whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

“Oh great! NOW you tell me.” said the beginner.  

Jim and Bob are golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbs down in search of it.

Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, “Hey Bob, I got trouble down here.”

Bob calls out, “What’s the matter Jim?”

Jim shouts back, “Throw me my 7-iron. You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.”