SillyEz.com

Employer to applicant: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”
Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time
anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a
picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one
raises his/her hand. The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What
animal has a long neck?”

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. “Very good
Sally,” the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands. “See the stripes on
this animal? What animal has stripes?” Billy holds up his hand and
says it is a zebra. “Very good Billy,” the teacher replies. Next
she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized
the animal.

“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”

Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s
something your mother calls your father.”

Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a horny bastard.”

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.
The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in
his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked
it up in his book also. “Now, if you will come with me, I
will show you your eternal dwellings,” said St. Peter. They
walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all
sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer
and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how
important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his
house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to
a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that
this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to
St. Peter, “Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he
gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church,
and this is all the reward I get?” St. Peter looked at the
Pope and said “True, you have done great things. But
we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first
lawyer ever to make it up here.”

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

“Yeah, I”ve come to activate your phone lines.” 

A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped
to attend the following autumn. As he was walking across the Quad, he
stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked:  ”Sir, can you please
tell me where your library is at?”
The man looked down his nose and replied: “Son, I’m head of the English
department, and I can assure you we don’t end our sentences with
prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply.”
“Can you tell me where your library is at, ass-hole?”

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary
walks up to him and asks if he needs help.

“Yes!” he says looking and sounding relieved, “This is very important.”

Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, “Thanks, I only need one copy.” 

The preschool teacher says, “We’re going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, “Me me me!”

The teacher says, “Go ahead, what’s the sentence?

Mary replies, “The sky is definitely blue.”

“That’s good, Mary,” says the teacher, “but the sky can also be gray or white.”

Sam raises his hand and states, “Grass is definitely green.”

The teacher says, “That’s good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too.”

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, “Do farts have lumps in them?”

The teacher says, “No Johnny, why do you ask that?”

Little Johnny replies, “Well, I definitely sh*t my pants.”