SillyEz.com

One night when you have a few friends around, take turns calling the
same phone number, a really obnoxious acquaintance that won’t
recognize your voices is always a good choice.  When the person
answers, try to leave a message for John Smith (or any name that
sounds real). Insist that you have the right number and even read
their number to them. Have a bit of fun here, and stretch this on as
long as possible.  Repeat several times, once or twice an hour. Let
everybody have a turn at calling. Just as the party is breaking up,
call one last time.  Tell the poor soul answering the phone that you
are John Smith, and ask “Are there any messages for me?”  This is sure
to get a groan.

Do you know the problem with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and the rest of us don’t
think they’re jokes!

Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one
is blind and the other appears normal. A couple
of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He
sees the guys and decides to have compassion on
them.
He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his
sight is restored. He touches the man in the
wheelchair and the guy jumps up and walks away.
He walks to the last guy and the guy yells, ‘Whoa,
God! I’m on workman’s comp!’

This fellow comes to confession. “Father, he said, forgive me
for I have sinned.”
The priest asked, “What did you do, my son?”
“I lusted,” the fellow replied.
“Tell me about it,” the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. “Father, I am a deliveryman
for UPS.  Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent
section of the city.  When I rang the bell, the door opened and
there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She
had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed
in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And,
she asked if I would like to come in.”
“And, what did you do, my son?” asked the priest.
“Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I
lusted,” replied the man.
“Your sin has been forgiven,” replied the priest. “You will get
your reward in heaven, my son.”
“A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?”
the fellow asked.
The priest replied, “I think a bale of hay would be appropriate,
you jackass.”

A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her
 contractions are only two minutes apart!”  ”Is this her first child?” the
 emergency operator asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her
 husband!”

Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test

                                          (the S.A.P.)

                  ENGLISH

1.  Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
   a.   b.   c.   d.   e. none of the above

2.  ingot:bleak   ::   ingot:_______
   a. tepid   b. gold   c. oak   d. bolonga   e. bleak

3.  pork:algae   ::   green:_______
   a. six   b. five   c. ten   d. marble   e. red

4.  mugger:park   ::   king:_______
   a. castle   b. burger   c. queen   d. Jacuzzi   e. bleak

               READING COMPREHENSION

Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.

 In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper
atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects the
weather.  These contentions, however, are for the most part
unconfirmed and some are very dubious.  Even further afield, a
British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that “the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza
virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots.”
Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as
this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists.
Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in such
possibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaks
of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.

1.  In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
   a. Japanese   b. Urdu   c. Bengali   d. British   e. Media

2.  The term “most Western” means
   a. Hawaii   b. John Ford’s longest film   c. nothing   d. correct

3.  A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
   a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
   b. The sun has sunspots
   c. Don’t ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
   d. all of the above

                 MATHEMATICS

1.  Which of the following is a number?
   a. blue   b. Jacques Cousteau   c. watermelon   d. John Doe   e. 5

2.  If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine
   and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can
   get anything he wants from Grover?
   a. 0%   b. 100%   c. a and b   d. a only   e. b only

3.  Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch.  The
   pawnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it
   for a hundred and twenty-five.  What was the relative rate of
   mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the
   worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between
   the pawnbrokers’s offer and 78% of Delbert’s assessment of the
   watch’s value?
   a. 100   b. 50   c. 75   d. 115   e. none of the above

                                          /\50 6/\
5. Calculate the shaded area             6/  \__/  \2
   of the figure at the right.          /     2    |
   a. 0   b. 50%   c. c only            \    /\    |
   d. the answer is a                   9\  /7 \   |10
   e. go back, it’s a                     \/   8\__|

6.  Grant McSwine is a repairman.  If he tells Mr. White that it
   will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will
   it really take him?
   a. six weeks   b. half an hour   c. about three hundred dollars longer
   d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated

                  QUANTITATIVE COMPARISON

In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities.
These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither.
On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b
are equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one is
bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannot
be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no
idea.

         a. 2                           b. 15
         a. the area of a circle        b. the area of a square
            whose area is 10               whose area is 10
         a. my dad                      b. your dad
         a. New York City               b. Limpid, Iowa
         a. something                   b. nothing
         a. a mountain                  b. a molehill

Rejection Letter Reject

Ever wonder what to do when those rejection letters start piling
up?  Well here’s a suggestion:

- – - – - – - – - – - – - Cut Here – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

[Date Today]

Dear Mr. Kennelly:

Thank you for your letter of April 17.  After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept
your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.  This year I
have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising
field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.

Despite Acme Inc.’s outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection
does not meet with my needs at this time.  Therefore, I will
initiate employment with your firm immediately following
graduation.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus.  Here’s what viruses (viri?) do:

1. They replicate quickly — okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
  as they do so — okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk — okay,
  Windows does that, too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
  programs and systems.  Sigh… Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
  slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.  Yup, that’s with
  Windows, too.

  Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
  differences:  Viruses are well supported by their authors, are
  running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and
  efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they
  mature.

So, Windows is *not* a virus.

Software Development Process

1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team

2) Announce availability

3) Write the code

4) Write the manual

5) Hire a Product Manager

6) Spec the software
       (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the
       software meets the specifications)

7) Ship

8) Test
       (the customers are a big help here)

9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements

10) Announce the upgrade program

Read the rest of today’s jokes at

http://www.jokes2go.com/jtoday.html