SillyEz.com

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward,
stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know that Newman was a famous movie star,
explained, “That’s the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?” Blank stares. “Well, you’ve probably
seen his face on his lemonade carton.”

An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing?”

Marriage

A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services.
I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he’d quit — seems they’d matched him up with his wife.

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted,
“I am Napoleon!”
Another one said, “How do you know?”
The first inmate said, “God told me!”
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, “I did not!”

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when
his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few
years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

  A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting
  to cross the street,
  when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice
  herringbone tweed
  trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and
  retrieves a doggie biscuit
  which he starts to offer to Fido.
  A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this
  happening and
  interrupts, “Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your
  dog just pissed all
  down the leg of your pants?”
  “Yes, I’m trying to break him of this dreadful habit”, replies the
  blind man.
  “Well, it’s none of my business,” says the onlooker, “but you’re not
  going to teach him
  much by rewarding him with a biscuit!”
  To which the blind fellow chuckles, “Oh I’m not rewarding him. I’m
  just trying to find his
  head so I can kick his ass!”

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the
den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, “When did you bag him?”
The host said proudly, “That was three years ago, when I went hunting with
my ex-wife.”
“What’s he stuffed with,” asked the visiting hunter.
“My ex-wife” replied the hunter.

Patient: (to cosmetic-surgeon) ‘Will it hurt, doctor?
Surgeon: ‘Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown’.

A partially deaf gentleman was extolling the virtues of his new hearing
aid. “It’s marvelous,” he enthused to a friend. “Since I acquired it I can
hear the birds chirping on the hearth. I can also hear clearly a
conversation being held in an apartment a full block away!”
“You don’t say,” said his friend. “What kind is it?”
The proud owner consulted his wristwatch and answered, “Twenty minutes
after two.”

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEETS WINDOWS95
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That’s great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive,
and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That’s terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don’t know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: That’s exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don’t know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you’re going to train
me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That’s true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn
it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to
start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn’t actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You don’t have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That’s not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don’t say, “Start!”
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to
press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but
no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that’s what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don’t be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it’s about time we
started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.