SillyEz.com

What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?

An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next
year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names…

Who says companies only care about the bottom line? Ours is socially conscious and offers employees fun outdoor activities throughout the complex.

Both of these admirable elements were driven home one day when a voice over the loudspeaker boomed “Everyone who signed up to donate blood, please report
to the rifle range!”

If a tree falls in the forest, and there’s no
one there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.

A blonde walked into a doctor’s office with a hole in her hand. The
doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was
an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, “Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit
suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a
minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don’t want to ruin
it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a
minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don’t want to
ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a
minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don’t want to ruin them! So
then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is
going to be loud!”

New University Promos

    It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The
the average tuition (per year) for each institution is outta site and they
just aren’t getting enough applicants. I understand that in a rash,
unprecedented move, some colleges are taking out advertising in the middle
of ‘Sesame Street’ episodes, to differentiate themselves from their
competitors.

    BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose
ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are
you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO
BROWN!!!

    COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are
you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman
year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!

    HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do
you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social
life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!!

    PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are
you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know?
How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of
living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!

    PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot ? How about four more
years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does
the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!

    CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in
jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future
hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the
chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL –
The Big Red Tape!!!

    DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away
from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to
drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what’s your feeling
on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!

    M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you
hate doing anything that doesn’t involve math? That’s right, math! Math
math math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE !!!

    BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven’t figured out how to invent the wheel
(but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don’t know your ass from your
elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination
enough to produce 24 variants of ‘da weed’ with a garden weasel and a
piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the
advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and
enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO
BC!!!

    SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all
your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot
because yours isn’t selling well? Are athletics the only thing that
matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea
of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie
canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!!

Internet
Teacher: What are the four elements?
Pupil: Fire, Earth, Water and the Internet.
Teacher: What do you mean the Internet?
Pupil: Well, Mum says that whenever I’m on the Net, I’m in my element.

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street
with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop
pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously
drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I’m
drunk?”

Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I
thought I was a cripple.”